How Far Are You Willing to Go?

Chapter 11- It Hurts

***Ryans POV***

No...No, fuck..no. Please...

"Ryan?"

I can't-

It hurts

"Ryan what were you thinking! How could you do this to me? Do I mean nothing to you?"

Why...why can't I move? Help, someone help

"Why isn't he speaking? What's wrong with him? Tell me RIGHT now or so help me God-"

The beeping of the heart monitor fastens before going flat yet again. 

"Ma'am you have to move now!" A stranger screamed. 

JAMES!

Light scatters the room as my eyes open slowly. How could this happen? Why didn't he just let me die? Damn it Jay! I wanted it! This wasn't your decision to make- 

"Ryan?" A familiar voice bellowed.

"Speak of the devil." I spat with hate in my voice. Ow, that hurt. Why is my throat so dry?

"Having trouble speaking? Yeah that happens when you go through surgery. Surgery Ryan. It wasn't enough to take a shit ton of pills and get your stomach pumped was it? No, you had to take that extra step. You had to go and stab yourself in the fucking stomach right? That was the smart thing to do, the only choice!" I could hear the pain in his voice, the pain masked by anger. "Why are you so hell bent on this? I gave you a way to see him! I helped you do it. Everyth--" He looked down and back up frantically. "Nothing I say to you will make you think any different. You'll just keep going on this suicide mission until you get what you want. All that you want, all that you care about, is him. You don't care about us, what we feel. You just want him and you'll do anything to get him. I won't do it Ryan, I won't sit here watching you die. You either stop or it's over, I can-"

"Then it's over." He didn't even reply. I saw the hurt in his eyes and I let him feel it. I watched his back as he walked, as he walked away from me. It hurt, but he can't anymore. And neither can I." 

**Jay's POV***

I can't-   

It hurts

Help! Somebody...why aren't I making any noise? I..I...I'm on the ground.

"Jay please wake up honey."

"Mom?" I say with a hoarse voice. "What happened?"

"You had a panic attack. It was bad, you ended up passing out. I thought these calmed down. You scared Todd and Cheryl half to death." 

"Cheryl?" I questioned. 

"I'm right here Jay." The soft voice bellowed. I stared directly in front of me at the source. "I know you don't like me very much but I um had to make sure you were okay. I heard about Ryan and I came here to see you, but then I stopped to talk to Todd and almost left but then...then we saw you go down." 

"Cheryl I'm fine please just don't."

"Oh, uh okay...I can go if you want me to." After a long silence she began to turn to walk away.

"WAIT!" I yelled to her.

Damn it, I looked back. 

**Ryan's POV**

"So what now you two just aren't friends?" Todd questioned. 

I sighed at the question. "No Todd, we're not. He backed out, he gave up on this."

"On this? Ryan what is this? It's sure as hell not what we signed up for. The deal was we get you in between for 5 minutes and you handle yourself. It wasn't that you go and swallow a pharmacy and play pin the donkey on yourself with a butcher knife."

I was speechless. What was I supposed to say to that? I've never heard him talk like that. Todd the Californian is...upset? No, angry. 

"Todd-"

"No Ryan he's right. It's over. If you want to die then you're going to do it. Don't act like we're abandoning you in your trek to save your long lost love. You said it yourself he doesn't even want you to come there." 

"We're?"

He stood there without speaking for a minute. "Ryan, I hope that you'll abandon this crusade against your own life and I hope you do it soon. But until you do...I'm with Jay. I can't watch you kill yourself and I certainly can't help you do it." He walked away.

**Todd's POV**

I can't-

It hurts

"Jay, you're okay?" I questioned.

"I'm fine Todd, really I promise." Silence fell. "Are you?"

"No."

"Mom Cheryl, can you guys maybe go in the hall for a while? Todd and I need to talk." They nodded before walking out confused.

"Jay." I whimpered.

"I know." Jay sighed. "I don't think he wants to die Todd. I think he's just lost. He needs a purpose and he thinks he can find it with James. I just think- no I hope, that he'll realize it. His best friends left him, he has to see somethings wrong now right? He has to."

"You didn't tell me you had panic attacks."

"What?"

"You never told me, I didn't know anything about them. I especially didn't know they were this bad." I looked down. "Who knew? Did Ryan?"

"No. No, he didn't. My mom knew." He looked down. "Cheryl, she knew. The first time that we...I freaked out. I was a scared little virgin and had a panic attack." He laughed. I continued looking down. "Look Todd I'm sorry, I-"

"Am I going to lose both of you?"

"Never."

"Okay."