TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM **ems pov**
Just the thought of something bleak is enough to put some people in a bad mood, a deep feeling can set your whole world spinning off in different directions, making it almost impossible to keep your head straight. But thats what i had to do keep my head straight. I cant be the cause of more pain even if i had to take all the pain myself, I'm not worth anything but i know other people around me are. i must keep everyone okay and not be so selfish...
Even if it means loosing the one i love...
After Ashton's messages it had had the opposite effect on me. Making me extremely happy giving me a buzz, that made me feel like i actually meant something to someone. But as i fell deeper into my slumber i came to realise i wasn't happy not at all..
"So you and this boy, ha that wont last long, when he's got to know your past, boy he'll wont be abel to stand you. i mean who kills there 'best' friend. your such a fuck up. I'm surprised they even let you into this damn country"
"Please not tonight" i was pleading, pleading to the voice in my head. i was in that awful place again, probably the gates of hell- where I'm probably heading.
"Oh i see you thought this was just a one time thing, well you got that wrong and thats not the only thing you got wrong"
Tears we're streaking down my face and we're illuminated by the moon shining through the window. i was so week, so helpless.
"Yea i mean you dont actually think ashton likes you. Your such a child always depending on people like 'ohoo' you have some friends, but we all know your going to fuck them up. JUST LIKE YOU FUCK EVERYTHING UP. IF I WASNT PART OF YOU ID WISH YOU WE'RE DEAD"
"I know i wish i was dead too i wish i had been hit by the car or eden had got angry and killed me but that didn't happen. AND I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE GUILT"
"oh the guilts only just started and by the way, your just going to fuck everything up with this boy and even if you don't he'll leave you for someone better, lets be honest everyones better than you"
I had become used to the harsh tones of the voice and was immune to all the shouting but the words hurt, each one like a punch in the face. But no i couldn't loose my new friends if i could even call them that. but the voice sounds like its leaving is there hope...
"Are you leaving then because it sounds like your saying goodbye" it laughed evilly
"Oh just for now but ill be back but i think people are going to be hating you as much as i do soon enough"
And with that it was gone. everything it said made me feel worthless. my eyes burning with salty tears. im not big on dramatic tears and the only time id shed a tear is to the voice. but really i needed to feel the pain she felt. the pain of getting hit by that car. i need to feel pain for the one i lost. I carefully got out my blades laying them out and deciding which one to use first. as i clenched it in my fingers and spun it round making the atmosphere tense, even if i was the only one there.
"This ones for you alex" i spoke proudly laying the blade on my already scarred body i pressed down hard and swiped it across. i repeated this process until i felt drained. drained of life drained of hope. I just had one moment of joy and then a lifetime of regret.
A/N
OK THIS COULD BE A TRIGGER FOR SOME PEOPLE SO PLEASE SKIP THAT PART IF YOU FEEL YOU NEED TO.
also please could somebody make me a new cover and send it to me xx please vote comment and share it means alot xx emx
