Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart....
Tears dont mean you're losing... Everybody's bruising..
Just be true to who you are...
- Jessi J
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Jacob Pov
Cut....
Cut....
Cut....
I wouldn't cut too deep. But the weird thing was that afterwards I felt so much better, like I'd let all the bottled up feelings out, and got an amazing high. It then became normal for me to cut.
That's all that will take away the pain. Nothing felt better then controlling my own pain. To watch the blood flow down my hand like a never ending river was ecstasy. I felt as if I was high off my own drug. And the drug was me.
Constantly being bullied, raped, etc. I just want to be love. I don't want to be gay but I can't help it either. I just find man attractive. Especially Chresanto. I love him no matter how much he bullies me everyday. I'll always love him.
Then there is my older brother, Anthony. Everyday its the same thang. I come home, he rapes me and then tells me how much he loves me. How I'm only his forever and ever. Anthony is just a special case. He was neglected by our parents just like me and just wants love. Just like me. He takes medicine because he is bipolar and has ADHD. I learned a long time ago not to fight him. Especially when he is not on his pills.
You might be thinking wow you must live a shitty life. Well actually I don't. My parents are wealthy and everything is fine expect the bullying and rape. I just want it to stop. And be loved. Be loved by Chresanto.
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"Jacob..." Anthony purred in my ear.
"Y-yes.."
"Why you nervous baby? I just wanna spend some time with you. Would you like that?" He kissed up and down my neck.
No! I thought. "Y-yeah.. Anthony.. A-anything y-yoouu w-want.." I stuttered out. I'm so pathetic.
Anthony drags me into his room and locks the door. He rips my shirt open and told me to do the rest. Once I did that he asked my about the bruise on my stomach. I didn't answer him and he got angry. Very angry. And threw me on the bed.
"You fucking other dudes Jacob! You letting them nigga's touch what's mine!" he yelled in my face.
I whimpered out a no but he didn't believe me. He took off his belt and started beating me. Over and over again.
WHACK
WHACK
WHACK
It hurt so bad. I cried out telling him to stop but he didn't listen. Every hit he would say "mine", or "you belong to me". I wanted him to stop so I kept yelling that I was his and only his.
Eventually he stopped. He kept saying he was sorry over and over and that he loved me. I wanted to run away and cut. I wanted to escape into the world of ecstasy.
I laid there, to hurt to move. Anthony started taking off his cloths and laid next to me and kept repeating he was sorry while he kissed my neck. No, I'm sorry for having such a sick brother that thought this was love. One day he will get the help he needs.
I cried myself too sleep that night with Chresanto on my mind. Another day of school tomorrow. Another day of torture.
_______________________________
I walk to my locker trying to avoid Chresanto. I know once he finds me, I'm dead meat. I just want to get threw the day with out being bullied. I don't wanna cry in the bathroom until 3rd period. I just wanna be alone.
As I was putting in my locker combination my best friend since the womb, Ray, came up to me to say hello. I just want to get my books for class.
"How was your weekend Jacob?" He asked cheerfully.
I use to be happy like that. But things change I guess.
"Same old, same old. How about you?" I tugged at my sleeve. Ray seen and gave me the look.
"Jacob.. Please don't tell me you cut again. You promise!"
"Sorry.." I mumbled and looked down. I can't help it. Cutting let's me escape the real world, the real problems.
Ray ran his hands thru my curls and hugged me.
"You know I love you Jakey. Sorry for yelling at you." He whispered in my ear.
Before I could reply Chresanto interrupted.
"Well if it isn't the fag and his sidekick getting cuddly in the hallway. Happy you got butt fucked last night?" He chuckled and so did his best friend Craig.
I bit my lip to stop from crying. Why does he do this. Why does he continue to hurt me? I've done nothing wrong.
Ray tugged at my arm trying to get me to leave. But I was tired of running away. I wanted to stand up for myself for once. So I did.
"Im so tired of you Chresanto. You always give me shit! You just mad because I didn't let you hit it first so you bully me to get revenge. Just shut the fuck up and suck a dick.!" I yelled at him.
Ray looked shocked and so did Chresanto and his friend. When Chresanto realized what I was saying he turned a deep red and started shaking. I heard Ray mumble a faint "run" before we were off down the hall.
"Perez!!" I heard Chresanto yell before I turned the next corner.
Breathing heavy, me and Ray finally made it to safety. Im just glad Chresanto doesn't have 1st period with us.
We took a seat right as the bell ranged. Ray and I sat in the back by the window because no one wanted to sit by me. I've told Ray several times he doesn't have to sit with me but he keeps saying it's okay. But its not. He has friends unlike me. I lost my friends years ago at the end of ninth grade year, all because they found out I was gay. That's also the day I decide to cut myself because Anthony found out and rape me. Glad this is my last year.
"Mr. Perez could you please pay attention." Mrs. Stewart my math teacher said.
"Yes ma'am.." I mumbled.
The day seem to pass right by and before I knew it, it was time to go home. More torture.
As I was walking to my locker with Ray, when Chresanto pushed me into the bathroom and locked the door. I was scared. I know what I said this morning was uncalled for but I was just tired of being bullied.
I look around and realized we were alone. Just me and Chresanto. Dear Lord. Help me now.
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