Everything I Didn't Say (Regret Sandoval)

Prologue

Everything I Didn't Say – Prologue

"Ma," I called my mom then she turned around.

I am standing in front of her to ask the most ridiculous and most awaited question ever. I'm now ten years old and I still don't know why they gave me a very weird name. Although I don't really have a problem with that but it's just weird.

"Yes?"

I sat at the chair beside her. "Bakit Regret ang pangalan ko?" I asked right away.

She smiled as if she expected that question from me.

Palagi akong tinatanong ng mga guro at mga kaibigan kung mayroon bang kahulugan ang pangalan ko. My name is somehow negative. Ang ibig sabihin nito sa Filipino ay pagsisisi. Sinong magulang ang magpapangalan sa anak niya na hindi maganda ang kahulugan?

Naisip ko na baka pinaghalong pangalan lang nila. Regina and Terrence. Kung hindi nila inayusan ang pagkapangalan sa akin. Regter sana ito. Geez. Sounds awful.

"You would think that I'm crazy if I would say I don't know."

I stared at her blankly then she chuckled. Ginulo niya ang buhok ko. Hinila niya ako para mapaupo sa lap niya. I hugged her tightly.

"Mom..." I groaned.

She laughed again. "When you were inside my tummy, your father and I wanted to combine our name. One time, binuklat ko ang dictionary na niregalo ng lola mo sa akin noon. Then I found the word regret. I was fascinated with it. It was just so unique." She started, tumingala ako para makita siyang nagkekwento. "Of course your dad didn't approve! So sabi ko, edi Terrence Jr. na lang."

What.

Terrence Jr.? I love my father but I don't want to be a junior! I'll stick with Regret na lang.

"Pero bago pa kita ipanganak noon, may sakit na ako. Myoma to be exact."

"What's Myoma?"

"It's like a cyst... You're still a kid so you won't really understand it. One risk of having myoma while being pregnant is miscarriage. Habang nasa loob ka nang tiyan ko, mas malaki ang posibilidad na lumaki 'yung mga bukol."

"Then after eight months... Lumaki talaga siya and..." She hugged me again. "I almost lost you anak. So I told your dad to change the plan. Regret na talaga ang ipangalan sa iyo. Hindi dahil pinagsisihan kong nagkaanak at muntik nang may mangyari sa ating dalawa. It was kind of the opposite. Opposite ng meaning ang gusto kong iparating. Na kahit ipa-ulit sa akin ang ganong pangyayari, pipiliin kong mas mabuhay ka."

Natahimik ako dahil parang nasasaktan si Mommy sa tono ng boses niya. I really love my mom so seeing her like this? Nasasaktan din ako.

"May isa pa akong tanong Mommy..."

I can't help but to ask. Lulubusin ko na ang araw na ito since it's my free day. Wala akong nararamdamang sakit sa katawan.

Tinaas ko ang kanang kamay ko na may nakakabit na dextrose.

"Why am I here? Why am I at the hospital?"

Then she lost it. She cried and I didn't know why! Niyakap ko na lang siya nang mahigpit para mawala ang sakit na nararamdaman niya.

I was twelve when I found out that I might have a colon cancer. It was genetic because my grandfather died because of the same illness. I was being examined for twelve years. Labas pasok ako sa ospital para lang matutukan ang nagbabadyang sakit na unti-unting nagpapakita ng sintomas.

***

"Regret?"

Inangat ko ang tingin ko. Nakita ko ang isang babae na singkit na nakatayo sa harapan ko. Mataas ang pagkakatali ng buhok niya. She's white just like a paper. Napansin ko rin ang nunal sa mukha niya.