Everything I Didn't Say (Regret Sandoval)

Chapter Ten

Everything I Didn't Say – Chapter Ten

I thought that being a high school student council president would be bad. I thought it wasn't for me but I guess it was really meant for me.

I received great feedbacks from my schoolmates and from the faculty as well. They are really happy with how things are going right now. It's less chaotic and more organized. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ginawa ko pero isa ang sigurado ako. Masaya ako sa kung ano'ng ginagawa ko ngayon.

Pakiramdam ko tuloy mas normal na ako ngayon. Dito, sa pagkakataong 'to, ko ulit naramdaman kung gaano kasarap ang mabuhay. Masyado akong nabulag sa dalang dilim ng karamdaman ko. But really... God is so good. Hindi Siya nauubusan ng mapapakitang kagandahan.

"Grade nine is really hard..." Bulong ni Kaia sa akin.

Magkasabay kaming magkauwi ngayon dahil halos hindi kami nagkasama ng isang linggo. I was busy with academics and student council while she's busy with her extra-curricular activities.

Hinila ko siya palapit sa akin at sinandal dibdib ko. I caressed her hair to soothe her.

"I agree. But it's fun."

She chuckled. "You know the word fun now, huh."

Natawa rin ako. Niyakap ko siya nang mahigpit saka pumikit para magpahinga. Ito siguro ang epekto ni Kaia sa akin. Kapag kasama ko siya, natatanggal ang pagod ko. She's my breath of fresh air.

"Bye..." She said lazily as the car pulled over. "See you. Pahinga ka ha."

I nodded. I pinched her nose first before she went out of the car.

***

"Finally. A lunch with you."

I smiled at her. Mukhang masaya nga siyang makakakain ulit kami nang sabay. I missed it, too. Isang linggo din kaming hindi nagkasama kumain. Tuwing dismissal lang kami nakakapagusap nang matagal.

"Kumain ka maigi ha." Nagulat ako nang may nilahad siyang baunan sa harapan ko. "I cooked our favorite dish! Menudo!"

Napangiti na naman ako. Isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit ang dali lang din namin naging malapit, marami kaming pagkakatulad lalo na sa pagkain. The only difference is she likes to cook while I prefer waiting for the food and eat.

Sabay kaming kumain at nagkwentuhan. Somehow, I've forgotten about my responsibilities and I was able to refresh my mind. Last week was really tiring.

"You know..." I started. "You know why Regret is my name?"

Nanlaki ang mata niya. "You're finally talking about this?!" She exclaimed. "Should I record it? Take down notes?"

I rolled my eyes but then I chuckled. Amusing.

"My mother got fascinated with the word regret . Instead of buying books related about names, she searched the dictionary for some possible names."

She laughed. "Ang weird ni Tita. Dictionary talaga?"

I nodded. "Yeah. She's really weird." I answered. "Anyway. As I was saying, she was addicted to the word regret. My father opposed to it since my name, based on the dictionary, means to feel sad or disappointed to something that has happened. Sa madaling salita, hindi maganda ang kahulugan."

Natawa siya hindi pa nga ako tapos magkuwento. Sabi na, e. Tatawa talaga siya rito.

"Oh tapos?"

"Then my mother had me when she had myoma. I couldn't remember the exact details but I know that it was hard for Mommy and for me as well. They settled with Terrence Jr. until the day she gave birth because both our lives were at stake. For my Mom, Regret means the otherwise of its real definition."

Namilig ang singkit niyang mata. "Grabe pala pinagdaanan ni Tita 'no? Buti both of you survived."

Yeah. I survived but am sick. What's the point?

"Also... The reason why I don't have much friends or rather, why I reject them because they can't handle me. Ayoko rin nang kinokontrol ako,"

It's partly true. Marami na rin namang lumapit sa'king tao para kaibiganin ako ngunit dahil sa pagmamatigas ko, hindi nila nakakayanan. Si Kaia lang talaga ang nagtyaga sa'kin at hindi ito sumuko.

"Woah. May ganyan ka palang background." Natawa siya tapos sumubo ng pagkain. "Mabuti na lang pala makulit ako pagdating sa'yo... Nakokontrol kita."

I smiled. That's true. Aside from my parents, she's the only person who could control me and my decisions. Sometimes, I go beyond my principles because of her. She just won't quit when she does something.

After our lunch, we headed to our respective classes. That Hanz called her as if they were really close. He probably noticed my cold gaze directed at him so he went inside their classroom first.

"Bye, Regret!"

"Bye... Mag-aral mabuti."

That went for a week. I was happy that I got to spend time with my best friend. Mas lalo kaming naging close at mas lalo ko siyang nakilala. She really is a ball of joy. Madalas lang na masungit sa ilang tao pero all in all, she's a sweet girl.

Then I don't know what happened... Isang araw, naging mailap siya sa akin. Umiiwas sa mga tingin at tanong ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng ginawa ko o may nasabi ba akong masama. I was sure I did nothing.

I thought everything was going to be alright. I thought our friendship would stay that way... Open and very calming. I thought I'd be alright keeping my sleeping feelings but hell. Akala ko lang iyon.

"Regret, mahal kita..."

Tangina.

Kinurot ko ang kamay ko sa ilalim ng lamesa. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa naririnig. Gusto kong takpan ang mata ko sa nakikitang emosyon sa mata niya.

Tumayo siya at pinigilan ko naman. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot ko... Isasagot ko ba na ganoon din ako?

Pero...

"Kaia..." Hinila ko siya paupo. Para akong nahihilo. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. "I'm sorry. Mahal kita bilang kaibigan lang..."

Fuck.

I knew I was fucking it up. I knew I was losing all the hopes I had. I knew... I knew I was hurting her.

The last thing I want in this life is to hurt Kaia but hell. I just did. I just fucking did.

She smiled bitterly. That hurt me a lot. The pang in my chest was unbearable. I thought I was going to faint that time. Seeing her smile like that... damn. If I could only kill myself.

"Alam ko naman eh. Okay na 'yun. Sige ha? Baka may makahuling officer sa atin."

Her eyes were teary and in any moment, her tears would fall. The pain's evident. I badly want to hug her... want to tell her that I also love her but I am scared.

Ang hirap maging duwag. Ang hirap maging takot.

Nakakagago.

"Don't need to do that. I'm the president, remember?"

"Kahit na. Dapat walang special treatment." Then she smiled sweetly but her eyes said the otherwise.