The Rejection Diary

Entry 5

Akala nyo dun na nagtatapos yun? Na isang beses lang nasaktan at nagkagutay gutay ang puso ko? Well, hindi. May sumunod pa, may pangalawa pa. Tanga lang ba talaga ako o mga gago ang mga lalaki sa mundo?

I'm a very private person. I don't let anyone get inside my life especially in my heart. Lalong lalo na after my tragic experienced from my first love. I never bowed to never love again but I promised myself to be more cautious. Pero, kahit anong ingat ang ginagawa natin ay nahuhulog parin tayo sa mga gago at manloloko. For example ako.

I was an incoming second year college student when I met Mark. He was from the same province as me and he was a bit talkative while I'm shy at first but when you get to know me madaldal din pala. He was the typical approachable, harmless yet very charming and appealing person. He was two years older than me so maraming kakilala at may na established ng pangalan sa eskwelahan. I was a struggling college students that time, not of academics but of finding a friend or friends. After what happened it was really hard for me to trust other people. I can't barely socialize with them but I can talk to them but more about school stuffs. And finding Mark was a blessing or so I thought. We were on the same page kaya mas naiintindihan din nya ako. I interact with him pero I don't share my emotional involvement because of my issues. I often think that he is my guardian, my knight in shining armour, my kuya in this jeopardize school.

Before first semester ended I felt these butterflies fluttering in my stomach and I'm excessively sweating whenever I see him or when I'm talking to him. I thought I had a disease so I avoided him for a week then I realized what I truly felt for him that time. It was lo..love. Yes for the second time I loved someone. Ang bilis di ba? Or vulnerable lang talaga ako sa ganto? And this time around I'm not gonna be a loser of my own story.

What I did was the most rational thing to do, to avoid him. I was successful at the first week, the second week was not. Napansin na nyang iniiwasan ko sya. But I made an excuse, that I was busy in school and in our organization but you can't really fool a pro. He knew I wasn't but I kept on denying it, my only resort was to lie. Then, I heard the impossible from him...

"I felt alone and empty for almost two weeks now because of you. You keep me sane and that was what I realized. Please, wag mo na akong layuan Ira nasanay na akong nariyan ka sa tabi ko. Can I just keep you with me forever?" 

That was the time when I first experienced my heart skipped a beat. The world stopped rotating. The rain stopped pouring.

Mark and I was in a state called mutual understanding. We weren't in a relationship but we felt like we are at it. I have never felt love's intensity until he came and made me felt it. The way he cared for me, the way he made me laughed and everything just pleases me.

Summer came and it was his last summer break as a college student. Sa course kase nila which will took 5 years to finished, in between 4th and 5th year and on-the-job training nila. And he was assigned to a big city with prestigious engineering companies. Me, a supportive special friend had to do her part which is to text and call him everyday in his breaks or at night and also to wait for his stories. They will have to finished their number of duty hours before the school year kicks off though he doesn't necessarily need to because he only have one subject left which was their thesis.

He didn't contact me all weekends which was seemingly odd because he always updates and call me. I called him but his number was unreachable. I was already panicking that time because of the things that I'm thinking inside my head. What happened to him? His phone is just off. Why didn't he contact me for days now? What if he'd met an accident? What if he was kidnapped? Or worse.. NO! This can't go on. I have to find answers. I was desperate that time..too much desperation can really make you do scary stuffs like calling his family even if they didn't know that you existed.

Two phone rings and his mom picked up the phone.

"Hello good morning, Gamboa residence."

"Ahmm. Good morning po. I would like to ask if nakauwi na po ba si Dred Mark sa inyo?"

Ang kapal kapal ko!!

"Kaibigan ka ba nya? Oo. Nung unang araw pa sya dito. Natapos na kase ojt nya."

"Ahh ano si--"

"Ma, nandyan na po si kuya Dred at si ate Liza." sigaw ng isang babae sa kabilang linya.

"Naku! Nandyan na ang mamanugangin at anak ko. Teka Miss.. Nandyan ka pa ba? Sino ka ba at para maka usap mo ang anak ko."

"Ahh hindi na po. Ano, magkikita naman po kame next week. Pakisabi po kaklase nya. Salamat po."

I didn't wait for his mom to put down the phone because the moment when I heard it parang gusto kung wasakin ang teleponong hawak ko.  

Mamanugangin pala ha! Kaya pala hindi man lang ako naabalang tawagan man lang. O balitaan na 'uy, ikakasal na ako. Tapos na akong mag laro sayo.' Gago ka pala eh! I didn't need any permission or anything dahil ka MU o kaibigan o kahit anong putcha pa ang tawag samin ay may karapatan akong umiyak.

I thought I had my own happy ending. I thought I was finally being loved by the person I also loved. But those were just mere illusion. And it hurt... so damn bad. I cried a lot the first night realizing, what is really wrong with me? May mali ba sakin? Na dapat kung itama. May kulang ba? Na dapat kung dagdagan. May panget? May mabaho? May nakakairita? Ano? ANO? Dahil pagod na pagod na ako sa lahat ng eto. Pagod na akong umasa at masaktan. Ano pa bang dapat kung gawin?

A week after that I heard from your friends that you were engaged to someone named Annaliza, your childhood sweetheart. Paano naman ako? Again, I was a casualty to a love story, an accessory. Palamuti. Sad but true.

My loved for him was short-lived but it gave a scar. Wounds heal but scars don't. They will forever remain in you. A reminder that you were once in a battle and you are a survivor of those battles.

I cut all ties from him. I deactivated my social accounts, change my phone number and I even found myself a new place just to get away from him and the memories we had.

Maybe, it was an advantage for him that I didn't want a label, a relationship with us because he can easily get away once he is finished or should I say once he is bored playing with me and my feelings. For the second time in my life, I was broken and I felt too naive and stupid because of it.

Baaa!
Just thinking about how I was too emotionally broken because of that jerk makes me vomit. Maybe I was just too emotionally unstable for those time. To gamble my heart over someone who just showed me attention and care. Maybe because I was deprived by it or maybe I was thirsty of the idea of being love by someone you love. As of now, I don't give a damn where in those above mentioned categories I fall in. I was honest about my feelings for him and I doubt if he was too.

As of now, I don't really care of what happened in the past I just made those as a reminder to never fall again and never be bewitched with boys charm, appeal, and their skills of luring girls into their traps.

I learned my lesson for the second time in a hard way.
Loving someone is useless when you can't even love your own self. I learned so much from my experience. I learned to love myself first. Learned to give time, value and appreciation for myself to grow and see things for vividly. Life is too short to just waste our time on being broken. We should move on quickly. Move on in just a blink of an eye.
Move on because that is the only choice we have to take.

Madaming natutunan sa pagiging sawi,
Mirae