Lost

Pain Hurts

SLAP! I held my face in astonishment and looked at the person that assaulted my face. 'She's so much bigger than us, we'll never win'. 'Your worthless trash, you can't even defend yourself'. I sigh as I listen to the voices in my head bicker. Janiah laughed at my shock. "You should've thought twice before talking about me", she said. I couldn't bring myself to say anything because I hadn't talked about her but I knew she'd never believe me. 'I wouldn't believe me either', I thought to myself, 'I guess I am worthless trash'. I just stood there waiting for her to leave and for the embarrassment to go away. Janiah stood there to get one last look and walked away with her followers following close behind her.
Wait. I'm getting too ahead of myself here. Let's go back to where it all began.
Flashback
Hands. It's dark and all I feel is hands on my body. "STOP!" "Shhhhhhh, we're just playing house. This is what moms and dads do. It's okay", he says. "I don't like the way it feels. Please stop. PLEASE", I begged. Lips seal my mouth shut and I feel a tongue slip into my mouth without permission. His hands are everywhere. They were in up my shirt and down in the front of my underwear touching my private area roughly due to my constant movement. The feeling is unbearably uncomfortable for my tiny 5-year-old body and my heart for the first time hurt and made me very sad. My tears unceasingly pour down my face as I let him have his way with my body as he plays a game I don't want to play. His lips move to my neck and I take this as my chance. "HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME! PLEASE," I scream as loud as I can. BAM! My side starts to hurt from the impact of his 12-year-old punch. " Stop moving and screaming before I give you something to scream about," he says. I whimper. "What the hell," my mom shouts as the door burst open. He quickly pulls away. She makes my cousin and his parents leave immediately. "Are you okay baby," she asked me. "Yes I'm fine", I say. That was the first lie I had ever told.
End of Flashback
First day of kindergarten. Imagine being six and after week of school the kids in your class decide they don't like you. This was the year I established distrust. After what happened when I was five, I was very apprehensive when it came to boys and men. Its recess time now. "Hey, come with me I want to show you something", my friend Vincent said. I responded with an okay. He led me to a place behind the trees; kind of like a secret hideout. Then I was suddenly push against the tree and held down as he tried to kiss me. "NO", I said as struggled to get out of his strong grasp on my arms that led to bruises. 'Oh no! Not again. I have to find a way to get out. I can do this' I thought to myself. "Come on I just want to try something new with you", he says as he still tried to get me to stop moving my head. I pushed him as hard as I could and took off running towards the teacher. I couldn't stop crying because I was so scared. 'It's okay you're safe now. Just tell the truth it's going to be okay. The bad boys are gone', said a new voice in my head making me feel better. I think I'll name her Pretty Princess. I told the teacher everything that happened and she sent us to the office. He tried to lie but I had the bruises on my arms to prove it. Vincent obviously got in trouble, but when he got back he told the whole class I lied and that I was a snitch. The year went on and that lie got around and most of the kindergarten kids loved to hate me. I still maintain my confidence.
First grade came along and the feeling didn't change, but I grew to have a best friend. Her name was Avery and she stood up for me. It was finally September and my teacher had the boys choose who they wanted to have as their reading partners. "I choose Jitorria". I hear his voice shoot out like venom. I tense at the taunting sound. I turn and look at him then to the teacher as my last silent cry for help, but all she does is smile and encourage me to go with him. I whimper as I slowly lift myself from my free place. I follow him to the place he wants to go, which is behind the teacher's desk and no one can see us. "Are you okay", the demon named Trever asked. "I'm fine", I mumbled and put my head down. "The thing is Trever called me names everyday and gave me empty threats, but for some reason today I felt as though something bad was going to happen". "Good, now let's start reading", he said. I walked over to where he was standing and stood beside him waiting for him to sit down. Even though we were standing his tall figure was still towering over me. "Sit down", he demanded. I shakenly sat down and looked at the floor, sadly. "I already hate this". He finally sat down and I started to read the page. Suddenly, he pulled me super close to him and was rubbing my bottom. "Stop! What are you doing? I don't like this", I said as I tried to move his hand, but he punched my side. "Stop moving or else. Trust me I can do way worse", he told me. Being the little girl I was, I obeyed and finished the storybook with tears staining my face. As I started to answer the question, he slid his hands up my shirt and his other hand rubbed my front on top of my pants. I immediately tried to stop him but he bit my neck and told me, "If you try and stop me again I'll kill your family. Now get up and sit on my lap." "I was beyond scared at this point, being so naïve and young I didn't know he couldn't kill my family." I silently cried as I got up and sat on his lap and let him violate me. Trever did this every day and it became a routine. Until one day I was fed up. He was taunting me from across the room with winks and blowing kisses while the class was having a bathroom break. I took my scissors out of my sparkly yellow pencil box and looked around to make sure no one but us was in the room. I opened the scissors as wide as they could go and threw them as hard as I could. The scissors hit him hard and he had to get stitches down the center of his forehead to the end of his nose. My write up was thrown out after I explained in detail about the physical abuse. I was too ashamed to tell them about the sexual part but Trever was still expelled.
Let's skip to my middle school years.
These years started off my young adult years wrong. My mom and dad's problem started to affect my life and the way my dad raised me. He became a monster and made me feel as if everything I did was wrong. My dad taught me the meaning of being heart broken and torn apart. He made feel unloved, worthless, and never good enough. He was mean. I walked into the school every day crying because of the conversations we'd have about me being disrespectful or him thinking I let people push me around. After a while I stopped trying to convince my dad to listen to the truth but he had convinced himself he knew the truth. Then I got used to faking a smile and having endless energy.
In the eyes of a lost child, no one knows about what she thinks, feels, imagines, dreams except her. She walks around all high-head, but deep inside she is down. She tried to fit in, but it never worked; she tried to change but just couldn't. She couldn't change what was inside; she couldn't change her soul. She kept it in a cage so it wouldn't try and control her mind, but that didn't help anything. She thought she had a real Best Friend and she loved her until the so called best friend ditched her for fake friends. She still has caution for or of people who try to get close. "They know nothing and they never will; I can't show them me; I can't be hurt again", she tells herself as if that will change her heart. After that she thought she found a really cool guy, but he turned out to be a misunderstanding. Well to make a long story short he broke her heart and....yeah. So now she and this other guy are together and she doesn't like it but she's falling hard as hell for him. By now a new voice was here and makes her scared of him. "He doesn't like you", her voice says trying to convince her. "He could never, or any boy, like anyone like you with this type personality. He is just playing around; he doesn't care about nothing but himself", the voice tries again and makes the girl depressed. She now doesn't like herself; she is now at war with her soul and it's tearing her apart. She can't sleep or eat. She is sick as a dog. She stands at the sink with a razor and cuts. After she has covered her arms with them she does her daily routine or clean up and hiding the cuts out of sight. "In the eyes of a lost child no one knows what goes on behind her closed door." This is only pieces of things I felt and kind of still feel. The nice voice became silenced and the mean voiced became louder. 
I eventually realized that I can't control every little thing that happens to me. I can only put myself in good situations and hope for the best. Although I wish these things never happen, this is life and these things weren't my fault. I handled them the best way that I could. 
Live not Compromise!