Mosaic

Louis Tomlinson, Chapter 15

Louis Tomlinson, Chapter 15

      I slowly ease some corn flakes into my mouth, with milk. It was harder than usual today, My head screamed that I was fat as my body agreed, but didn't necessarily care about the chub. Harry was almost finished with his bowl and it looked as if I was just getting started, I took two more bites, but then dropped my spoon back into the bowl. Harry looked up when he heard the clatter, "Lou..?" I shook my head, "Don't." He sighed, but then seemed to remember something... "Stay right here, please?" I nodded. What is up with this boy now?

      He rushed back and I was confused, he had his journal in his hands and then tore out a page. He began to read the words he wrote, he wrote about my body, everything about me that he loved. Each time Harry would recite what he loved to me he would kiss that part of me. By the time he finished with his speech, he began again, "Louis, you are my sun. You shine and when you're sad you still smile. You fill me up with joy just by looking at me," he paused and looked at me, "You are the Sun while I am the Earth, you keep me alive. You're always wanted, always needed. You're full of light and full of love." He grabbed one of my hands, "I love you, my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know dear how much I love you," His voice cracked, he said through tears, "Please don't take my sunshine away, please." I pulled him close and hugged him, his head in my shoulder, crying. "I don't want to lose you, Louis. I need you to stay alive, I need you to stay healthy... please." I just nodded my head, a tear falling down my cheek. "Don't worry, Harry.. I'll never leave you, never."

      Every day is not going to be a good day, I know this. Today was just one of those days my demons spoke louder than others, but I will not ever leave Harry again. Harry means a lot to me, he's my boyfriend, my best friend. I don't see how I'm keeping Harry alive, to be honest, but I shall just accept it to make the boy happy. I crave for Harry to be happy, he deserves to be happy. Laying on the couch facing each other, cuddling, "Louis.." "Yeah?" I respond playing with his curls. "Even though you think no one loves you, I just want you to know that I love you. All the other blokes and birds out there are just stars lost in our solar system, yet you are the most important star in the solar system; the Sun. I love you more than I could love anyone else, you're my Sun that brightens my day. I just want you to know that no one compares to you." I was breathless, "Harry.." "No speaking, babe, just cuddles." I nodded. 

      How can I save him while he is trying to save me? How can we save each other while trying to save ourselves? I have hope that it'll work though, I have hope that we'll make it through this, together. I don't want to get help from anyone other than Harry, I trust Harry. Harry loves me, at least I think he does... I want to help him with his self-harming, I want to save him from his self. "Haz.." I say quietly. "Mhm," he replies. "You make me feel wanted, Harry. Thank you." Harry opened his eyes to look at me, that was the first time in a long time I have ever seen such a happy glint in his eyes, he puts a real smile upon his face and kisses me. "I love you." I smile, "I love you more." He then just proceeds to wrap his arms around me.

      Isn't weird how once our body starts to go to sleep it's hard at first, but after a while, your eyes just give up on reality and go off to dream world; once we are in that dream world, we no longer want to be brought back to reality because our dreams always seem to be much happier than real life. You can make your dreams about anything really, but you don't know what's coming in for tomorrow or even in the next five minutes in reality. You can make your dreams happen, but as for reality... Reality ruins people's lives. I like dreaming, I don't like waking up. Sometimes when I wake up it feels like I'm awakening into a nightmare, reality is my nightmares, and falling asleep is my way out of the nightmare that is life itself. I guess I'm just weird to think this way, yeah? Maybe I just need help... Maybe I'm just insane. I'm completely mad and to be honest, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, that worries me. I want to be normal, I do. I want to wake up from a nightmare and come to reality thinking it's an escape from a horrible nightmare. I want reality to be my savior from a bad dream, rather than the other way around. How can I learn to love life when all I do is find things wrong with it? That's my problem, I see the negative in everything, never the positive. Soon I fall asleep with my arms around Harry and his arms around me, going away into the darkness of sleep, my escape. Sleep is good, sleep helps you forgot about everything for a little while, and for that I am thankful. Sometimes we need a release rather than something self-destructive as a distraction, sometimes we just need a good sleep; sometimes we need to get away from the reality that surrounds us. The reality that traps us, my reality is my eating. My eating keeps me trapped in a ribbed cage, my heart is caged in: trapped. I am trapped in a reality I don't want to be in.