Mosaic

Louis Tomlinson, Chapter 7

Louis Tomlinson, Chapter 7

     I stayed home from school again today, Liam's bringing the things that I've missed home. I've been thinking about the whole Harry situation, I need some questions to be answered: Is he okay? No. Has he cut since I've been gone? Yes. If so, am I the reason? Yes. Is there a way I can help him? No. I think I know the answers, but I don't want to believe them. I just want Harry to be okay, I wish he could see himself the way I see him. I know I'm being stupid, when aren't you? Because I'm starving myself and he's cutting himself, both are self-harm. I'm being a hypocrite. 

     There was a knock on the door, so I walked to it and opened it. What I saw stunned me, it was Zayn and Harry. "Uh.." I say. Zayn had his arms around Harry's shoulders, that was when I noticed Harry was bleeding. My eyes widened, "What happened?" I let them in. "Not now, Lou. Go get some ice and some bandages." Zayn orders. I get the supplies as Zayn fixes my boyfriend up, that should be me.

     "Okay, you're done," Zayn said to Harry. Zayn turned to me, "Now I bet you're wondering why we're here besides the fact that Harry got beat up." I nod. "Louis, why'd you just get up and leave him?" "I needed to leave. I just couldn't handle it." I say in reply. "You couldn't handle it?" Zayn screamed, "I've known about him doing this to himself for years, I've handled it. When he first told me, I stayed with him; I didn't leave." "I didn't want to leave, I'm not you Zayn," I say. "I know you're not me, but you're his boyfriend. You did the one thing that he wished wouldn't, you left him." "Zayn imagine this, okay? You're making out with the one person that you love the most and then you feel cuts along their arms, how would you react? I was overwhelmed, I couldn't handle that. My best mate, the one I love the most has been cutting themselves for God knows how long and I never noticed, I never knew. I should've noticed! I'm with him 24/7, yet I didn't see that one huge detail! I thought you were happy, Haz. I guess you're pretty good at pretending because you sure had me fooled." I had been screaming; I was angry, not at Harry or Zayn, but at myself for not noticing. I was crying because I was angry. "I'm sorry I'm such a bad boyfriend, I'm sorry okay? Is that what you wanted for me to admit how much of a screw-up I was?" I ask, then I ran, well-tried to; I turned around too quickly to run and got dizzy, soon all I saw was darkness.

     I didn't hear anything as I began to wake up, but then I heard Harry say, "He's waking up." It sounded as if he had been crying, I fluttered my eyes opened and all I saw were concerned eyes on me. I gave them all a confused look, "What?" I was completely dumbfounded. "Ah, Louis, you're awake." I turned and saw Doctor Morrison. I nodded, "Yeah, why are you here, Doc?" He sat down at the coffee table in front of me, I raised and the blanket that was on top of me fell that's when I realized I didn't have a shirt on and I was only wearing my jeans. I put the blanket over my shoulders. "Louis, do you know how much you weigh?" I nodded my head, "Yes, why?" "How much do you weigh?" he said. "Why do you need to know? I'm not sick?" I asked. "Louis, please answer my question." "I weigh 56 kg (124 pounds)." I heard the boys gasp, I know I'm fat, dear Lord. "Did you know that you're underweight?" asked Dr. Morrison. I stared into space, "Louis, have you been starving yourself to become skinny?" I did nothing. "Louis, you're anorexic." That's when my whole world went tumbling down. "No, I'm not," I say firmly. "Then explain all of this weight loss." "I'm on a strict salad diet, thank you for telling me that it works well," I say trying to cover my tracks. The doctor sighed, "Louis, you need help." "I don't need help. I'm fine, there's nothing wrong with me." I say sternly. "You're not fine, you're sick. You need help; if you don't get help then you'll die." The doctor explains. "I. Do. Not. Care." I reply pausing in between each word. "You don't care about what? That you're sick, that you need help, or if you'll die?" He asks. I look him in the eye and said, "I don't care if I die." Harry started to sob in Zayn's arms, but I didn't care, it's his fault they know now. "Louis, are you going to get help?" Dr. Morrison asks. I shake my head no, "Not from a professional, I'm doing this alone. I don't need help from anyone." "Louis, we can help you-" Liam started to say, but I stopped him, "Can you?" 

     "Louis, is it okay if I ask you some questions?" I nod. "When did you start this?" I look down and think, "About two years." "Have you ever purged or made yourself throw up?" I nodded my head. "Do you think you have a problem?" I shake my head no, "I'm just trying to lose some weight." "Have you ever wanted to kill yourself?" I didn't want to admit to it, but I nodded my head anyway. "Have you ever tried to commit suicide?" I nodded my head again. These are things the boys didn't even know, they don't need to know. "If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be?" "Fat."

     Dr. Morrison gave me his card before leaving, he also gave me a card with eating charts on it. I rolled my eyes and when he left, I knew I would have to face the boys. I threw away his cards and walked into the living room to watch television. The boys stared at me, I had forgotten I didn't have a shirt on, or the blanket. "Could you not?" I ask them. They looked away, it was silent. I got up and left, I walked into the guest room and put on two sweaters. I laid in the bed and wished that this was all a dream, but I knew it wasn't. This is reality, real life.