The Forbidden Manual// Denis Stoff

f i f t y

But suddenly, a voice in my head questioned me scandalized what was going on and ordered me to stop.

"No," I panted, moving his head aside.

Our breathing was accelerating and the punching of butterflies flew insanely in my stomach. I saw the panic painted onto the eyes of the forbidden face that I had kissed and the guilt was making me sick; I threw his body far from mine and took the sheets up to my face, covering me completely.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Go," I was barely able to say, with a string of voice.

I then heard the sound of the door closing and the silence made me spill a couple tears. That had been bad, very bad. The one who had to apologize had to be me. Me who held onto his face, who dreamed of that kiss, me, me, me... trator was my second name.

The guilt I felt in this moment was unexplainable; it seemed if my organs inside my body had gone heavy and then disappeared leaving an overwhelming emptiness. I had hit rock bottom.

I was drunk, but of course, I had a pinch of common sense. My heart in pieces under my chest, it hurt due to the huge guilt I was feeling and it was as if I had a thorn stuck in my blood pumper. Every beat was a stronger wave of pain and the sea it belonged had a name of its own: Dasha.

Kir had warned me, "nothing stupid" he had told me and there I was going with a huge poster saying "Stupid" on my forehead. For sure Kir would kill me, but that was the best thing, I deserved to die at least or a little less dramatic, leaving Dasha's life. The time to leave had arrived, I had to leave as soon as I have the opportunity, take the first plane out to California or any place that can get me away from here.

My head started pulsing in pain and with an upset stomach, I got up from the bed and visualized the bathroom from where I was, to where I ran too and left behind the last thing that went in my stomach.

After I was left empty, I washed my face and let myself fall onto the tile floor, feeling the cold contact on my skin and, made myself into a ball of yarn on the floor, I lost my conscience once again.

As I opened my eyes, the pain in my head drilled with intensity, making me close them again. I tried opening them again, little by little, and the clear light of the day blinded to the extent of worsening the pain.

I had a vain memory of the day before and the more I forced myself to sort out the mess in my head, the more it hurt.

The bar, the mirror, Denis, the kiss...Dasha! As soon as the words made sense, the memory came to mind. I got up startle and visualized the room in a couple seconds. This wasn't mine, I was sure of that; there was a black guitar and the decor in the room was in different shades of blue. This was the bedroom of a man, and the only thing that came to mind was Denis.

The bed was unmade but I was sure that last night I had collapsed onto the bathroom floor and not on a bed.

Regrettably, nothing had been a nightmare only, what I wished the most, it was real, and those pink lips, full, soft and now of a taste of mint and chocolate, had been mine last night, for a minute.

I tried finding a clock and found a small one on the desk, it was twelve- thirty in the afternoon and my head wouldn't stop hurting.

I went to the bathroom, a little dizzy, and washed my face. I tried fixing my hair by letting it loose. After I looked less tragic, I decided to run out of this house.

Hoped and crossed my fingers that Denis wouldn't be around, that way, I could get out without him noticing and...I'd leave.

I took my bag that was in a nearby chair and I crossed it over my chest. Building up courage, I turned the door knob,and opening it. I walked with my gaze down low and at the instant I was out of the bedroom, I picked it up, blinded horribly by the clear light of the midday.

Denis looked at me, sitting in one the chairs near the table. There another thorn in my heart. We both stared at each other for a long while, as if we were communicating through our eyes. It could've been interpreted by a painful and outrageous "I hate you", or the most honest truth of the history "I love you".

Even breathing pained me, so I brought my gaze down once more and headed out the door. I hurried my steps by it felt as if my legs wouldn't open enough for each step.

(A/N: I'm sorry for having to interrupt your reading but as I am sitting here translating this next part makes no sense to me as to why this character is coming out to play in the middle of non of his business so, let's do this. Kenadee called Chris to pick her up and queue the next scene)

"Wait, Kenadee", his voice so beautiful made me stop even though my conscience yelled terrified for me to run.

"I'm going back to California, Chris" I sobbed.

"Why? Why so soon?" He inquired, more confused than before.

My voice stuck in a knot in my throat, stopping me from talking. I felt the worse to confess my sin.

"I did something bad, Chris" I Admitted and pulled the door to open it, then got in the car. I did everything so fast to give him the chance to talk.

He ran to the other side of the car and got in the same way I did.

"How bad could it have been to force you to leave?" He wanted to know.

"Very, very bad" the tears where the vivid memory of last night and of this very morning.

"Please, Kenadee, don't scare me. What did you do?"

I looked at him, my eyes fogged with tears and my lips trembled with the words that were to come out.

"Last night I got drunk..."

"Oh, come on Kenadee, that's not bad..." relief washing over his face when I continued talking.

"...and I kissed Denis" I confessed, trying to swallow the knot in my throat.

Then his eyebrows flew in surprise and chaos.

"What?" He asked, shocked.

I raised my hands to my face, trying to hide my face in embarrassment, and the tears that washed it, since I couldn't stop them.

"You kissed Denis? How? Why?" His question only worked for the pain to consume me more, without counting the one in my head about to explode.

"By being stupid, Chris!" I burst, dropping my hands from my face to raise them in desperation. "Dasha has noticed that Denis isn't the same and last Sunday the very idiot I am, danced with him to her face. I should've imagined, you know? The stupidest person could've known, but this is me, of course! My idiot self" I babbled, running over my words.

"Kenadee, stay calm", he took my arm and I felt his touch over my skin. "Tell me calmly and without insulting yourself" he asked me.

I sighed, I don't know how he didn't expect me to insult myself. I deserved all kind of insults. But I tried calming myself down.

"Kir told me" I continued, "and asked me to be...reasonable and the first thing I do is get drunk to forget the pain of breaking my best friends heart, tell me, how reasonable is that?"

"Denis went to look for me when I was drink, he got me out of there, and made me get into the car... I almost confessed that I loved him," My voice cracked, "and after a ridiculous argument I fell asleep. When I woke up I noticed I wasn't in Dasha's apartment but in Denis house, laying in his bed", the memory appeared clear in my mind, like if it was a movie being projected with so much clarity, "I said his name and he came close to kiss my forehead to wish me goodnight", I wasn't sure that my voice was still making sound, but Chris followed me intently. "I held his face and kissed him, simply kissed him". I lost myself in the thought.

"And what did Denis do?" He asked.

"He didn't pull away..He didn't pull away! I had to stop it because if not..." Then I lost my voice in between the tears that drowned my throat.

"I have so many things to say, but first..." He opened his arms and warmed me in them and I, spilled all my pain.