The Forbidden Manual// Denis Stoff

f i f t y - s i x

I began walking, leaving behind the beautiful white home I had been in. Hoping that Dasha was doing good, in the sense that she was okay with Kir. I knew I had destroyed her and that was something I could never forgive myself.

As I walked, the words of his mother, came to mind, while my cheeks were still wet and my stubborn eyes spilling there pain.

Did she believe Dasha didn't fully make Denis happy? It was his mother, and a mother -wanting or not- always, is right. She was giving me hope, underneath her words, there was one. But just now my sky had turned grey, almost black, and all hope seemed meaningless.

I walked for a while, indecisive to go or not into some streets, but at the end, I saw the building and the first time today I felt relief. When I went inside the apartment, the first I did was check the time, there were fifteen minutes before it would be ten in the morning. I had enough time to do one more thing.

I ripped a page off the notepad Dashaa had in the center table and I sat to write. Maybe it was stupid to leave her a note, but I also couldn't just leave like that.

I began draggin the pen across the paper in angst and every line in the paper, was a painful beating of my heart. When I finished writing, I read the card I had drawn on the paper.

I am sorry for all of this.

I deserved more than a slap and the words you said. But the fact that I deserved them, doesn't mean they didn't hurt.

I know asking for forgiveness is stupid. Knowing I wouldn't forgive myself and...now I failed you.

You were always like my sister, Dasha and I always wanted the best for you. I know what you feel right now, I could see it in your eyes, I know you better than anyone. You have no idea how much it hurt me to see you that way because of me.

I won't lie to you. I fell for Denis, I swear to you that I love him and for that I have to leave. I want to let you guys be happy, I really do. Living here seeing your show of affection really hurt me more than a slap in the face. Because I wanted you to be happy and leaving was better to forget everything, and even though I can't forget it, it wouldn't matter; I would be miles away from him, far...to avoid hurting you. Everything has gone wrong. I didn't want this to happen, but to turn time it's impossible. Maybe, leaving now, after this, won't work at all. I know I am a coward for leaving and leave the pain, I swear I wish I could take that pain away! But, it still isn't the best for everyone...

I don't want to beg for forgiveness, Dasha. My choice was always you. But yesterday, was a mess in my head, I made the worst mistake of my life. I betrayed the only family I had...now I am alone. I deserve that.

Denis wasn't at fault, I was the one who kissed him. Don't throw away something beautiful like your relationship for something I did wrong. Hate me if you want, but don't blame Denis. I was completely my fault.

I am sorry for causing you this pain, you have no idea how much I regret this. Of course I was going to tell you, but not in the way you found out. Forgive me.

There's something about this I will never forget, of the mistakes, there are lesson you learn. Communication is important and sometimes, that what we see in simple view, is not what it seems. Keep that in mind, Dasha. I'm sure there will be more than one person to support you.

Again, forgive me.

Everything you gave to me I'll return to you, the money, the dresses...I'll pay it to you. Thank you.

When you read this, surely i'll be on a plane back home, feeling like the most fake person on earth, Missing you.

I hope one day for you to forgive me.

I love you so much.

It was the most sincere letter I have written, however, I felt like it wasn't enough. I had no more time left.

I folded the paper in half and scribbling quickly Dasha's name on the top, then placed it on the table.

I went to grab my suitcases and put away a couple euros I had left.

I gave one last nostalgic look to the apartment and a tear crashed onto the carpet floor. I left the keys on the table over the card and left out the door, dragging the suitcases behind me. I used the elevator and went out the building, I stopped a cab and asked them to take me to the airport.

Still in the agony of leaving, knowing that the only family that I had left had a broken heart because of me, I couldn't avoid to think of him. I looked out the cab window and saw the streets pass by, I would never see them again, or him. Leaving to the other side of the world, but I would leave my heart close to him. Of course. The more I thought of it, the more it hurt. I would leave the love of my life and give up on him completely, because it was for the best. I could never stop liking him, simply because I loved him more than it did. It was like writing a goodbye card; like if doing so, every word placed on it hurt the closer it got to the end.

I didn't want to leave, leaving his side was like jumping off a building or crossing my way to oncoming traffic, or with less dramatic touch, it was like taking the meaning out of time.

It hurt to leave, of course; but it was the best I could after all. I took my hand to cheek and it hurt at the memory. Dasha's hurt face plastered itself on my mind, her tears were shown in my mind. My heart no longer beated, I could even swear it wasn't there; but the pain was indescribable and I knew, that it was in pieces. I could see the airport from the window fogged with every sigh I let out and I know time was come faster than before. I payed the cab and told him to keep the change, in the end, I wouldn't need it.

He helped me get my suitcases out the back and then slide them across the pavement and into the airport. The time had come.

I sat on the benches to help the ten minutes pass by. As I saw the people come and go, Denis came into my thoughts, Would he come look for me and ask me not to leave? Would he tell me he loved me with the same intensity I did? I laughed, making fun of myself. This wasn't a movie with a happy ending, Denis wouldn't come; because his place was beside Dasha's.