The Forbidden Manual// Denis Stoff

s i x t y - n i n e

It was then that I noticed that a tear had escaped my eyes and landed on my lips. I was crying.

There I was and it wasn't a dream, an illusion or a cruel game in my mind. It was then that I caught sight that hanging from the building, was an enormous poster that said "Nessuna fuga di nuovo" in big blue letters. I didn't know what it said, I never learned Italian, but whatever the message was, it prohibited me from moving, I wanted to remain there, observing him.

I made a comparison, and my exposicion lost. Denis was beautiful, in every sense you could see it; his voice, his face, his body including, even if he used the most ridiculous outfit. Suddenly, a thought crossed my mind, was the possibility of him loving me exist? Only me? There had to be a reason her was here this moment, singing me those beautiful words that filled my soul, that "forever" he added into the melody, but, all that was true? And if it was, wouldn't it still be wrong? The horrifying memory that I still can't abandon, was that that I see in Dasha's red puffy eyes, the sadness in her face and the radiography of her soul in pieces. Could I be that evil to finish taking what she really loved?

I looked again at Denis and another tear rolled down my cheek. Not even myself could understand me: if he loved me and I loved him more than my own life, how could we be together? Dasha's pain was the price to pay? It hurt me to want to do so I could be with Denis , I couldn't be that selfish, or could I? It was true that time had passed, but even though it was eternal for me, in reality it had not been. In two months nobody heals all wounds, and much less if it's as deep like the one I had done. Could I never be with Denis? Be happy with him? Did I need to get to know him? But I also couldn't ignore any of this love that burned inside, it boiled my blood and I doubted it would fit in my heart or my body.

I felt Kellin on my side.

"Tell him it's not to late?", he whispered and the people around me where back, coming back to reality that asphyxiated me.

I gave a quick look to Kellin and back to Denis; the murmuring of the people around me got lost in the voices in my head, while Denis's was still going through my ears and went straight to my heart. The anguished sigh I let out was visible as it tarnished the glass on the window, why did I have to think over things so much? Running away again would be very coward of me?

The music stopped and with it my heart loudly collapsing in new beats. Denis looked to me and even though there was a distance, I could feel the warmth in his gaze.

"What are you waiting for?", Kellin insisted, but never did I know.

Denis wouldn't move, but the pair of musicians retreated, making the scene come alive. It was time to clear up things with Denis and with myself, as well. I began stepping backwards and moved my hands off the glass, leaving behind the imprint of my palm. Denis noticed my movement and as I began turning around, he jumped back and ran off. I'm not sure what else he did, because I walked towards the stairs and took big strides down half unbalanced to the ground floor. What was I going to tell him? My head was a big chaos and was watching my feet as I walked, trying to find the right answer to this kind of dilemma.

Just as I was about to walk out the door, where the scarce sunlight was already starting to shine, an arm blocked my path. Denis's agitated chest moved up and down under his black hoodie and his irregular breathing moved my hair due to our close distance. Having him this close after so long made me weaken completely, but I forced myself strength from where I didn't have any to stay standing, even when my heart exploded from my chest.

"Don't run away again," he muttered, choked and his breathe shuddered my soul.

"What," I was able to say.

"It's what the poster said", He made a gesture to point out the huge slogan that fell from the building, while half outlined a faint smile. "Don't run away again, Kenadee. If you do, I won't stop going after you".