Hopeless

It's Getting Late

*****

Jamie woke up that morning with warmth surrounding him in a comfortable sense, one he just wanted to stay in. Then, he realized why he felt this way. Kevin was holding him closely, their legs wrapped together and Kevin's arm over him protectively, and his face stuffed in the crook of Jamie's neck. Part of him wanted to snuggle closer into Kevin, but another side of him felt like jumping out of his arms. He didn't know if being touched was in his best interest at the moment. This morning he wasn't feeling what happened yesterday as much. It wasn't too serious, but still he felt dirty and crude. And he knew the arms around him were just Kevin's, and the heat between them was something loving and comfortable, not painful. It didn't force his head into pain at least. He actually thought he felt good for once. 

Being near Kevin made him feel.... wonderful. Emotion he could share, emotion created from an experience and a bond. Everything he needed. 

Yet half of his mind still felt disgusted. Maybe it was the fact this mans father almost fucking raped him. Or that Kevin was just another man. 

Honestly, Jamie couldn't give a shit if Kevin was male or female. As long as it was Kevin. 

Maybe he shouldn't be saying any of this at all. After all, he was still quite upset with Garnet's rejection. Even if he was sure most of his desire for Garnet was born of what he couldn't let himself feel for Kevin, disappointment still filled him. Today was confusing as fuck. With Kevin so close he could feel his heart beat and soft breathing on his neck, it made his own heart flutter to the top of his neck and around his body, warming him. It was so peaceful he didn't want to have to think about all these deep things. 

But the worst part in all of this was the idea that Kevin didn't even feel the same way towards Jamie. If he could get past the feeling of dread because of the gayness of this situation, he certainty wouldn't be able to get past the idea that Kevin wouldn't feel the same way. 

Actually he almost felt being concerned with love in the midst of all this anxiety crap was not going to be healthy. He probably should just push all of that from his mind and focus on something else, something more productive. Half the time Jamie was going insane, the other half it seemed like there was no point, and a little corner in between was stupid emotion that he didn't need. Last evening didn't help that much, in fact his anxiety was still sickening inside himself. It made him terrified, of himself and of people. There was a way out, but not one he could he see. 

He was sure now there was absolutely something wrong with him. 

Normal people don't respond to things the way he does. They can do life easily, sometimes effortlessly, and he was stuck with no hope, no reason, and barely any mind. The only thing helping him breathe right now was Kevin's presence in his room. The other male was very comforting even with how much larger he was compared to Jamie. 

As Jamie shifted in his sheets he heard Kevin stirring and felt him pulling closer to Jamie, moving his face back into his neck. 

"'M sorry"  he heard/felt on his neck as Kevin breathed out. Jamie shifted again to face Kevin, he pulled away slightly, getting a whine from Kevin. He looked down at Kevin and propped himself up on an elbow.  

"For?" He asked, slightly shivering at the thought of what it might be. Kevin opened his eyes and sat up piercing daggers of ice into Jamie's eyes. He had to look away. 

Kevin sighed out, defeated. "Everything." He whispered and looked down at his hands, which were raw and carried some dry blood on them. Jamie's sheets were slightly stained as well, he didn't care about the sheets though. 

"What happened?" It suddenly came to Jamie that someone had to bring him back home and yell at that old man. And he did assume it was Kevin, but you never really expect someone to get hurt in the process. Jamie quickly pulled the blankets off of himself and stood, taking Kevin by the arm to his bathroom. He forced the other male to sit on the counter as he rummaged through his drawers trying to find rubbing alcohol and cotton swabs.