Hopeless

At Last

As someone who is constantly looking to reality to bring you peace, you have very strong mental health. Now insist on being human and that's where you've fallen.

*******

It's hard to really understand what just happened. Becuase you never really have that moment of change. Two people coming together under a label, is still just a label and a relationship that was one thing and basically the same as it will be, but with a cool title. And see it didn't seem like Kevin was too into the whole title thing. Labels just made everything too... fake? That makes sense. Well for some people it feels that way. But for Jamie, it would always feel rushing and painfully adrenaline powered. Like everything about Kevin was then put vividly right in front of him and in more detail. As if he just cleaned his smudged glasses and saw what was really there.

He and Kevin discussed more of their high school experience and life previous to now. It was hard to see why either of them could understand things about each other. Kevin much prefers being out there, in a crowd with anyone and being the center of attention anywhere as long as it's good. Jamie, on the other hand, kept a low profile in school. He learned from his mistakes in lower years. In middle school, he was always in the drama zone. And people found that annoying or unneeded. When he answered questions he went all out, typically covered himself in a character. Then, when it came to high school, he was done. And he created another more subtle character, someone he could hide behind. But of course, he attempted to get more into theater and writing classes, he enjoyed the academics more than fucking around outside of school.

He never thought Kevin was actually smart though. He went to school in Empire City with rich parents and peers who used him for his money. Girlfriend after girlfriend dating him more for what money could buy than who he was. He probably used to be a nice boy who cared for people, but suddenly those walls fell apart, and he was forced to make new ones. Walls to keep people out instead of in. And aside from social life, Kevin did quite well in school, he constantly got A's probably could go to a nice college if he really wanted to. That's something Jamie envied the most. He had good grades, he was smart too and kept his record and GPA rather clean. But money didn't come by easily in his family. Going to Kansas was an experience he couldn't pass up, even without a college degree. They don't care about things like that. But maybe it could've helped. All Kansas did was cause him more anxiety.
Kevin didn't really understand that, he thought it was easy to just bounce back when it came to things like that. But he did understand being humiliated in front of a crowd. Jamie mentally noted not to let Kevin be in any of his future productions.
No offense to Kevin, but he probably would mess up a line and freeze which wasn't good for theater or the soul.

Anyway, both of them really had no clue where this would be going. Jamie was feeling rushed and overwhelmed but in a good way. In a sense, he could use that overwhelmed state because it was joyful and fun to deal with. There was nothing telling him to fall from that cloud of bliss. He learned things about Kevin, which was a step up from him never talking. And in the rest of the day accomplished more companionship by knowing things. Jamie wanted to place a title on it so badly, but that just wasn't how Kevin thought of it. So he could be happy inside and let that show some of the time. At least he wasn't dying? Well, that could be theatrical. The drama zone was calling him as he and Kevin talked. It was hard to focus on being natural and speaking in a friendly humane voice, instead of resorting to poetic symphony. He wanted to write the overwhelming buoyancy in rhymes on paper where the white sheets can understand what he means, letting it sink deep into the crinkles and painted symbols. Less if he said the words aloud, they could fade into the distant memory of pain. There was a lot on his mind, only a trickle of it could get out. Hopefully, that wouldn't result in a breakdown. Even if not today, he knew eventually he would fuck this up. Yeah, that seemed like a weird thing to bring up, off topic and out of place. But things like that were always on his mind. The future was always there, and it was only brought farther forward when good things came. He was an ocean wave, empty sometimes and pointlessly hollow, but moving as well and understanding the grouping. Yeah, there's a lot he could be and a lot more he could see, but what was the point?