Hopeless

Ghost

~~~~~~

The sad part of having so much pain is the idea that one day it might end. And when it does, you're stuck with apathy. Because nothing is happy.

And you aren't going mad, you just are mad. The kind of mad that can come from anger, but insanity in the anger.

And it controls who you have to be, so no one really knows you.

You've been gone for too long and you know it as well.

Kevin still hadn't left his parents house. And they hadn't come back so he was safe. Not that he entirely cared, he wasn't focused on that. Actually, he wasn't focused on much of anything. Really he just felt the need to get away from something by confronting it.

He almost felt there was no reason for him coming home. But he didn't feel like moving anywhere. So, with doubt, he just spent the next day and night alone in thought on his bed. He couldn't sleep and his mind wouldn't let him stop thinking. In fact, he almost forgot there was a life to be lived outside. And when he remembered he didn't really want that life. He just wanted to live without this roiling anger inside of him. Without people always doing nothing to make him feel just like it. To make rage come out and over him like an ocean wave into the next one.

As of now, he doesn't know why he feels this way. He never knows truly. And he doesn't know why he just stays here instead of goes back where no harm was done.

But too much of a good thing is never going to last. And it never comes back.

The idea that he might be abusive really fucked him up.

Yeah, maybe it was stupid to feel so strongly about one small thing. To actually go back to the place of abuse and to sit there and think that you aren't worthy. And you're no better than the people who curse you to be viewed this way, who bruise you and painfully decide you aren't worthy.

Those people never truly see all sides of the picture. And neither do those who only look at one and not the cause before it. As if there was no reason for people to be this way. To control themselves in hate. And all Kevin could do was be watched, judged, hated. As if he didn't really mean anything, and instead was everything he said.

But people just don't work that way. Kevin wasn't strong enough to show anyone this side of him. The side that just forces his mind open and takes everything he knows and is with it. Then explodes and forces hate on everyone.

No, no, it's easier to just force it on himself.

So much easier...

But he shouldn't think like that, should he? Because there is no reason for him to have this growing irritation.

Actually, he really should just give up right? Because now it seemed to him no one cared.
Why so dramatic? Why does this kill him?

*******
You know you've hit the bottom when you wake up swathed in bone-chilling cold, a splitting headache, with even more freezing water still hanging over you.
And no one came to wonder where you went.

Well, of course, they didn't know and it's still night.

Jamie expected to wake up much later, well really he didn't care when he woke. Neither could he think much of it. And as he shivered heavily he wondered if he could stand. The thought seemed too painful, but he longed to turn the water off.

Maybe he expected it to just turn itself off. Like it could burn out of energy as all things can.
He scratched his body together, willing heat to come, and for tears to wash away in his mind. His eyes sighed and brought his mind down to earth like the thoughts just overpowered what was true.