Teach me How (Baldi x Principal)

Chapter 5 - Quiet

I keep replaying the exchange with Kenneth from yesterday over in my head. For some reason, it makes me feel giddy. So does the conversation from the day before that. Thus, I sit here in class waiting for my students to arrive, brows furrowed, hunched over the table, elbows on the table with my hands folded in front.

Kind of like the way Kenneth was sitting the other day.

Gah, what the hell is wrong with me?

I slam my body back into my chair, propelling it backwards a bit. I place my hands on my head with my elbows pointed towards the ceiling. I grind my teeth.

It's becoming increasingly difficult to ignore these intrusive feelings.

But I do it anyway.

I hear footsteps and voices outside the room and quickly scramble to sit in a proper posture and pretend to look busy, eyeing some papers in my hands.

The laughter from outside grows closer until finally, I see a group of four students in the doorway. Their chatter is immediately hushed, and their smiles fade a bit when they see me.

"Morning kiddos!" I say blissfully.

"Hi..." they murmur, avoiding eye contact a bit. Strange. These kids were just engaging in some hearty banter yesterday, and all of a sudden, they've gone quiet.

"Shy today, are we? Must be that test next week giving you the butterflies. I'm sure you'll all do great, though."

"Probably... thanks..."

They take their seats slowly and silently. It's hard not to notice the shift in behavior. Am I the problem? No, I can't be. Everything was fine yesterday. And the day before that, all the way back until the beginning of the school year. I'm probably right about the test nervousness thing.

More students follow, and all seem to display this same eccentric behavior. The few voices who greet me are lackluster and seem off. I sit here, bewildered. What's going on? I keep glancing up from some papers just in time to catch a few of the students hastily looking away from me. The class is eerily quiet. Only a few conversations in hushed voices could be heard. God, everything's weird today.

I contemplate confronting the class about this uncanny behavior but decide against it. It'll probably just be awkward for everyone.

Despite the oddities, I still have to do my job. I collate my papers, holding them vertically and tapping them on the table, then place the now aligned sheets back on the table neatly. Standing up from my chair and grabbing my ruler, I point to some equations that I wrote on the board and begin my lesson.

I open my mouth to talk, but nothing comes out. Seeing all of those dead eyes glance lazily from me to the floor feels like my heart jumping into my throat and dropping into my stomach. For the first time in this class, I'm intimidated by my students. Class usually begins with a few students pulling away from conversations, giggling, then opening their notebooks and facing me with attentiveness and eagerness. I can feel my blood run cold as my smile fades. Seeing all of those emotionless faces now makes me truly fear for why the entire class was acting so out of place.

That whole moment of dread occurred in the span of a second. I quickly shake the worry out of my head, collect my thoughts, and begin the lesson for real this time with a big plastic smile.

#

Class is... less energetic, to say the least. It's hard for me to figure out how to react when I ask a question to the class, and no one participates. I sort of just awkwardly answer it myself after a few failed attempts of 'Anyone know the answer? Nobody? You sure? Alrighty then.'    

Seeing my students act so bizarre makes me feel like my world just fell apart overnight. I have no idea why they're all being so quiet and secretive. The class just feels so forbidding and hostile, I don't know, it gives me weird vibes.

I do however receive a few brave and much welcomed participants and humane interactions. The kids look like, like they're trying to act normal. Yeah. That's the best way I can describe it.

I'm trying to not panic. I love these students dearly and seeing even one of them in any state other than the regular bliss and joy gives me cause for concern. Now, seeing the whole class silent and gloomy feels like a punch in the gut.

My mind races to endless theories and conclusions of the predicament as the students exit the classroom with little chatter.

I follow them on the way out to find Kenneth in his office for lunch. I can't keep this to myself. I quickly pace out the door and turn in the direction of his office.

"Woah, watch it there buddy," says Kenneth as I bump into him just outside of the doorway, paper bag in hand. "No running in the halls, remember? I'll have to send you to detention, you naughty rebel."

I'm just inches away from him. I look up at his face, unable to make out words.

"Are... you okay? Baldi, you're pale, you need to sit down, alright?" says Kenneth with concern in his voice, placing an arm around my shoulder and leading me back into the classroom. I feel short of breath. The atmosphere of the class isn't right.

He leads me to my desk and pulls out my chair, allowing me to sit. He pulls out a chair of his own and sits on the right side of my desk, and proceeds to turn my chair with both his hands so we face each other.

"Tell me what happened," he says in a soft, comforting tone.

"The students, they just, they're not talking," I begin. "They're dead quiet and can hardly look at me. I don't know why... why the hell- "

"Deep breaths." Kenneth doesn't look away from me. He reaches over and squeezes my wrist.

I can't deny it anymore. I just need to accept it.

Kenneth means a lot to me. Big time.

I breathe in and out, trying to figure out why I'm getting so worked up over my class being quiet.

"You don't fucking get it," I snap. "It's not just one or two kids talking less. No. It's the whole damn class, yesterday they were laughing and talking normally, now today it's like I'm a floating serial murder head or something to them.

"They all looked so on edge. Like they were trying to be normal. And I have no fucking clue what I did to make them act like that! I don't even know if it's me. Hell, I don't have a clue why a whole group of 12 to 13-year old's can go from happy-go-lucky to depressed and ominous overnight! I don't know what's happening or why it's making me crazy! This job is the only thing I've got, and I love those kids, I just- "

Kenneth scoots closer and takes both of my hands in his. He had to grab them from the air, where I was shaking them clenched in fists. Slowly, he lowers them onto where our knees are touching. He rubs my knuckles with his thumbs, never taking his eyes off of mine.

I begin feeling dizzy. My heart feels like it's melting.

"I... I'm so sorry... I just don't know what to think. My mind is so cloudy," I admit. "I think I have some crazy fear of abandonment. I'm overreacting way too much, god..."

"It's not your fault," says Kenneth in a continuous slow, soft voice. "From what I'm getting, you're seeing an abundance of people just change. It's as if day turned to night in a second. You need to figure out the root of what's bothering you, and instead of searching for why and how and stuff like that, search for a way to make this less hard for you. I'll deal with the rest, okay?"

A weak grin creeps onto my face as I finally meet his gaze steadily.

"Okay."

He pats me on the shoulder, smiling.

"You're overly worried. But I know you'll get through this," he says, squeezing my hands one last time before letting go.