Teach me How (Baldi x Principal)

Chapter 9 - Restless

It's Friday now. It was Thursday about five seconds ago. I lay in my bed now at 12:00 am, staring at my ceiling, trying to figure myself out.

I was right about what would happen after Kenneth left. Emotions poured into my head like a flood. Everything finally caught up to me; the betrayal, the confusion, the sorrow – everything.

My hands are folded on top of my stomach while I resist the unforgiving grasp of fatigue, which doesn't take much effort, with the help of insomnia.

I don't dare meet what awaits me in my nightmares. I haven't sorted out my thoughts yet. I'm restless.

I keep getting distracted, and the room isn't truly silent either, because my thoughts are incredibly loud and foreboding. It's hard to focus.

"You need to figure out the root of what's bothering you, and instead of searching for why and how and stuff like that, search for a way to make this less hard for you. I'll deal with the rest, okay?" Kenneth's words from a couple of days back echo in my head.

I said okay. I made a commitment. Now I need to fulfill it.

What makes this whole dilemma less hard for me is knowing that Kenneth will help me through it. Then my thoughts trail off, and I find myself thinking about Kenneth.

Kenneth...

And thus, I can no longer bear it anymore.

The dam holding back my feelings about... about my life breaks, the thoughts flood in, and so do the tears.

I writhe over onto my side. My eyes sting bad and my breath is shaky. I feel paralyzed as I choke out a few pathetic sobs.

My hands reach my eyes and I condense my body into a ball.

I'm completely and utterly helpless. Powerless.

"F-fuck you, Ba-Baldi, fucking m-moron," I manage to mutter, my voice breaking from the choked sobs escaping my mouth. I scold myself and cry my feelings out for the next ten minutes.

Wow. I'm a grown man. Crying in bed. I'm absolutely pathetic.

Why, though? Is it because I have almost no friends? Is it because my students think I'm an abuser? Is it because I think I like my male best friend?

...

Do I like Kenneth?

Of course I like Kenneth. But not in, uh, that way.

Do I?

No.

...

Yes. I do.

I hold my head firmly, eyes wide and spilling tears, breath unsteady.

I can't like him. No, I can't. He doesn't like me. This is wrong. These feelings are wrong. I can't be thinking like this, it's pointless.

What do I do? What can I do? For now, I just want to get my emotions to stop bombarding me. I need to be sensible. I roll onto my back, stretching my limbs out, and I take deep breaths.

The tears stop after a while. I try to block everything out to the best of my ability.

I want to actually eliminate my problems instead of just blocking them out. By ignoring them, they're still there, just not at the forefront of my thoughts. Eradicating the problems means they're gone. But if I try to do that, they swim around my head and corner me. If I go at a problem and try to tackle it, another one comes up from behind and slams me into the ground. It's like trying to get rid of twenty beehives. Full of bees. Angry ones.

I sigh. What do I do, then?

"You need to figure out the root of what's bothering you." Okay, Kenneth. I'm calm. Here goes.

I'm a dude. I like a dude. Meanwhile, we're trying to thwart an awful lie about me before it spreads too far. That's the root of the problem. The emotions are a result of those things.

"Instead of searching for why and how and stuff like that, search for a way to make this less hard for you."

I need to accept that I like Kenneth. It'll take some time to get used to, though. A lot of time. I still don't think I'm fully ready to come to terms with it, and it's going to be tough, but I'll try to accept it.

The kids will all soon know that I never did anything wrong, and we'll only be stronger after that. I know that the rumor is false. I have nothing to worry about, then.

I take a few deep breaths. Everything is going to be okay.

Instead of denying my feelings for Kenneth, I finally allow myself to smile and reminisce about our hug, but it doesn't come without awkwardness.

His warm arms protecting me in his soft yet strong embrace...

It feels a thousand pounds off my shoulders. My body feels light and tingly, and I swell with pride that I'm on top of my problems. Not the other way around.

Speaking of 'on top...'

Okay, okay, no. Too far.

This acceptance will take some getting used to.

I should be getting some rest now. After all, I'm supposed to see Kenneth in his office tomorrow morning.

Finally, I begin to doze off.