haunted. (c.h au)

three

the boys decided to stay in the guest room. i didn't feel so alone. but the day replayed in my head again.

when i heard about the crash, and that it wasn't too far away, i jumped in my car and sped there, scared and praying that he wasn't dead. i parked on the side of the road and sprinted the the car. the police tried to pull me away from the car. the car was in such bad shape.

i saw his body, the blood dripping on the road. i couldn't see his face. i screamed and cried hopelessly. i screamed out his name, maybe he'd hear me somehow. but he was lifeless. i screamed at god, asking why he didn't save him.

why him, why him, why him, why him.

i woke up to ashton crawling in the bed. "ash?" i turned over and saw the time. "it's 6 in the morning. what's wrong?" i asked. "i had a dream about calum." he answered. "same." i sighed. "and someone's in the living room for you." he added. "what?" i stood up and walked out. before i walked into the living up, i looked in the mirror. i look like complete shit. i walked in, and he stood up. "hello, i'm doctor brown." he extended his arm. i took it and shook it lightly.

"now, i want to talk about- how are you dealing with calum's death." straight forward man.

"um, i don't know." i said.

"have you been eating?"

"some."

"have you been crying more than 12 hours?"

"he died a little more than 24 hours ago. so yes."

"are you self harming?"

"no, but why does-"

"you have?"

"no!"

he pulled out a notebook. "here. write down how you're feeling and what you did that day in there. i will not collect this unless necessary. got me?" he said, grabbing his coat. "who do you think you are, coming in my home and telling me what to do?" i snapped. he walked to the door and turned around. "i'm your therapist. your mom requested me. good day." he smiled and opened the door. "fuck you!" i screamed before he closed the door.

"i think you should've said it sooner." calum said. i looked at him. "why are you haunting me?" i whispered. he laughed. "i'm not a ghost, silly." "then what are you?" i said. he came up to me and kissed my cheek. i felt his lips. he is there. "i'm only in your head." he was gone.

am i going crazy? i thought. i shook my head.  it'll go away. it's just mourning i guess. i picked up the notebook. should i- "do it. it sounds cool- oh oh! write to me! that'd be super cool!" calum said. "jesus, okay." i whispered, laughing under my breath.

i walked back to my room and placed the notebook on the desk. all of them was in my bed now. i smiled slightly and walked beside luke. he turned and opened his arms. just like what calum did. i crawled beside luke and he placed an arm around my middle. luke kissed the top of my head. "good night." he whispered.

this was dangerous. but me and luke have done worse. way worse. it's only cuddling.

but it felt so wrong.

///

when i woke up, the boys were gone. i sat up and stretched. napping with three giants is very difficult. i walked over to the desk and flipped up the cover. i decided to write the first page.

dear calum,

life is hard without you. i notice how hard it is to sleep without your snores. how hard it is to breathe without your chest pressed against mine.

and you're in my head. i see you everywhere. hear you in every song. what the fuck, dude?

and the boys decided to stay here for a while. which is nice. i love them so much. and thank you for telling to forgive luke about telling the boys about my self harm. luke's my best friend. i'd probably be with you now if i'd lose my best friend on the same day i lost you, my everything.

hopefully i'll get along okay. but for now, i am not okay. i miss you so so so so much. why did he have to hit you? why couldn't he have hit a tree? why did he have to drink? why why why whywhywhy?

i can't see the paper anymore because my eye's are full of tears.

i stopped writing and wiped my eyes.

jesus, stop fucking crying.

i stood up and walked out of the room and walked into the living room. "hey, i'm going to take a shower." i said. they nodded. i grabbed his shirt and his sweatpants. the smelled so strong of him. i walked into the bathroom and locked the door. i started the water and started blasting good night moon by go radio. i got in, the hot water burning my skin. but i didn't care.

i cried. and cried and cried and cried.

i washed my hair and turned off the water. i dried off and put on his clothes. i tied my hair in a top knot.

i got out of the bathroom and wrote in the notebook again.

dear calum,

i cried in the shower. i miss you.

i crawled in the bed and couldn't sleep because all i could smell was him and it was burning my lungs. it was 3:27.

i walked over to the notebook and added:

and because of you, i can't sleep. and all i can see is you you you you. i hate you for that.

but i love you too much to hate you.