The flying Paladin

Chapter 7

I trembled as I stared at the door. Keith was in there...? What was he doing? Deep down I knew exactly what he was doing but I wanted so badly to be wrong. I slowly took a step back as more noises left the room. I couldn't be here right now. It was wrong.

I turned around and ran. I didn't care how loud I probably was, all I cared about was getting as far away from that room as possible. I slammed my door shut and took in deep breaths trying to calm down.

Shit. I was lusting after a taken man! What was wrong with me? I couldn't have Keith because Shiro already had him. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself, wishing with all my might it was Keith hugging me. 

How dumb of me to even think Keith could ever love someone like me. I mean, I'm hideous, broken useless thing with more scars than I could count. No wonder he hated me. 

Shiro, on the other hand, was absolutely gorgeous. He was tall, strong build with a shit ton of muscles that made people swoon. He was also kind and caring. And despite everything he's been through with the galra, he still works hard to make sure everyone is okay and happy.

I wish I could hate Shiro for being with Keith but in reality I'm glad that Keith has found someone worthy of him. I wish that I could hate Keith for choosing someone other than me, but hey! My crush on Keith was short lived, so why am I even so worked up about this in the first place? 

If anything, I just hate myself.

I hate myself for being worthless. I hate myself for being useless. I hate myself for being weak, and allowing something as stupid as what she did to me to become an excuse for being afraid all the time. I hate myself for being hideous. I hate myself for being unlovable.

I truly am pathetic, aren't I?

I sunk to the floor, hugging myself tightly as I wept. 

How dumb, I cry over someone I never had a chance with in the first place.

She was right, I will always be alone.

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I walked to the table slowly. Last night I had an epiphany. I have no shot at being loved, so what's the point in even trying anymore? After that I didn't get much sleep. And the little sleep I did get was plagued with nightmares. 

Sometimes I feel like the world is against me.

"Uh...Lance?" Shiro asked, snapping me back to reality. The entire team was looking at me wearily. "Are you okay? You look a little....."

I knew exactly what I looked like. I had dark bags under my eyes and hair was disheveled and unkept. My eyes were red and blotchy because I didn't bother washing my face clean of tears. I just nodded silently and pulled my hood up.  

They stared at me, not believing a word I said but deciding to let it go for now. I gratefully ate my food goop and pushed what I couldn't stomach around in the bowl before everyone was excused. I barely made it to the kitchen before I was ambushed.

I let out a grunt as I was slammed against the wall. I looked up to see Keith glaring at me, his adorable puma ears twitching angrily against his head. "What's. Wrong?" Keith growled.

"Other than the fact that you just threw me against the wall?" I asked, hoping to sound cheeky but giving up when I realized how empty I sounded. "It's nothing. I'll figure it out, I always do."

His eyes narrowed at my last comment. Whoops, probably shouldn't have mentioned hoe I deal with all of my shit by myself. "What are you talking about?" Keith snarled.

"Nothing, it's nothing," I said, pushing on his arm but it didn't budge. "Seriously Keith I'm fine. Though, I don't know why you care so much."

Keith stepped away as though I had slapped him, his eyes holding a rare flicker of hurt. "Of course I care," he whispered, his ears pressed against his head. "Why do you think I wouldn't care?"

"It's nothing Keith," I said again. "Please, just let it go."

"Is it because of what happened yesterday?" Keith asked suddenly. I felt my face redden. Shit, did he know that I had accidentally found out about him and Shiro? "Look, I really didn't mean to offend you. In fact I think you're a wonderful pilot! I just...get paranoid sometimes that's all."

I stared at him. "Keith...I'm not mad at you...really. I mad at myself."

"For what?" Keith scoffed. 

"Nothing, I just let myself believe that I was worth more than I actually am." I said. Keith actually flinched at my words and it took me a second to realize that what I said was a little counteractive with my first statement. "Keith, I'm really not mad."

"You're worth a lot," Keith said before turning and leaving the room. 

"What the hell...?" I asked myself, watching him as he left. What a strange encounter. 

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"So what's really bothering you?" Hunk asked as he groomed me. I let out a yelp as he plucked a stray feather. Usually the grooming of ones wings is an intimacy reserved for your lovers, but seeing as how I'll probably never have one I decided to let Hunk have a go. 

"I was just being a hopeful idiot," I muttered sadly. "Like usual." 

"Lance, stop being vague," Pidge called from the corner where she was working on her computer. I huffed and crossed my arms, sticking my chin up in the air defiantly. 

"Make me," I said childishly. 

"Okay," Pidge said before she suddenly pounced on me, tickling me like there was no tomorrow. "Now talk."

"Okay okay! Uncle! I give," I called, and she let go of me. I sat up and glared at her but she only motioned for me to speak. I sighed, knowing there was no way of getting out of this. "Let's just say that my crush on Keith has been officially killed." 

"What are you talking about?" Hunk asked nervously. "I know you Lance, when you fall...you fall hard. There is no way you've already moved on."

"I didn't say that," I said, "Just that my chances with him are dead."

"And why's that?" Pidge asked.

"Because he's in love with Shiro. Not me."