The flying Paladin

Chapter 8

I clutched the pillow tightly, staring at the stars as tears fell down my face. After my confession I abruptly left Pidge and Hunk in shocked silence. I couldn't be there when they processed my words and gave me their pitying glances. I just couldn't.

So now I was in the observatory, my hood up, and staring at stars that no longer amazed me. I didn't bother to wipe the tears off my face because I knew more would come. The only thing I did regulate was my sounds. There was no way I'd be waking anyone up with my noises. 

I don't actually know what time it is; the lights went off in the castle a few hours ago. But it was definitely night time. I hugged my hamburger pillow that I had the castle make, closer to me. I just wanted someone to hug me and tell me life isn't as shitty as I think it is. 

I suppose I could wake up Hunk but he's far too invested in my shit. 

I looked up at a passing nebula and almost smiled. I remember when the stars were the most mesmerizing things in the world to me. All the secrets they held...now all they hold is heartbreak. Their beauty hasn't ceased, though their wonder has. 

I sniffled and choked on a sob trying to escape my throat. 

God, why was I so choked up over this? I only realized I sort of like Keith a day ago! So why does it feel like I've been stabbed by a hot knife? I've been so careful not to let myself fall in love because it always ends up this way. 

I remembered my first love, Eri. She was beautiful and kind to me. She whispered soft words of comfort to me whenever I had nightmares, and though I never told her why I had them, I think she had her suspicions. I never told her I had wings, yet she seemed to know anyway. 

I loved her so much. I met her in my first year back from that hell hole. We dated for almost a year before I found out she was cheating on me. That felt like everything good had suddenly become bad. Everything hurt and nothing healed. Not for a long time.

After that there were many more. At least four others cheated on me and one blatantly said they were going to cheat on me. I wonder why it is that I always get cheated on or left behind? Am I unlovable?

"Mind if I join you?" a voice asked me. I spun around in surprise to see Shiro standing there looking at me sadly. I nodded and turned back to the stars.

"Sorry if I woke you," I apologized. "I was trying to be quiet."

"You didn't wake me," Shiro said, sitting down next to me. "I just wasn't asleep. Why were you trying to hide it? Wouldn't you feel better if you talked to someone about whatever is bothering you? Hunk maybe?"

"Hunk deserves a break."

"What do you mean by that?" Shiro asked gently.

"I always go to him whenever something bothers me," I explain. "He deserves a break from the mess inside my head. I don't want to weigh him down anymore."

"But then you're dealing with it all alone," Shiro said, his voice not quite pressing me to tell him what's wrong. Shiro was good at this.

"I dealt with everything myself before Hunk. I can do this without Hunk," I said. "It's not fair of me to force this on him." 

"But it's not fair to yourself to deal with it alone." Shiro said. "What about Pidge? Or me?"

I shrugged. "Pidge has way more important things to worry about than me. And when am I supposed to talk to you?" I scoffed. "When you're training with Keith? Talking with Allura? Bonding with black? I'm not going to interrupt something so important just because my depression is being a bitch at the moment--" 

"You have depression?" Shiro asked, trying not to stow his surprise. Shit, I hadn't meant to let anyone know about that. "Why didn't you say something?"

"Um...do you want that list bulleted or numbered?" I deadpanned. 

"Lance, depression is a serious mental illness," Shiro scolded gently. "Whenever you're feeling bad you have to say something. I don't want you to hurt yourself by making sure everyone else is happy."

I shrugged and hugged the pillow tighter, burying my face in the plush lettuce. Shiro sighed and pulled me in for a hug. I squeaked in surprise. "Lance, we all care about you. If you're feeling sad you need to come talk to me. I know it's not my place to ask, but I need to know that you've never...that you don't want to hurt yourself. Have you ever?" 

I laughed. "A few times," I said, ignoring the way Shiro stiffened around me. "But I stopped and I haven't really wanted to. Not for a while anyway. I don't need anymore scars."

"What do you mean by that, Lance?" Shiro asked. Shit! Why did I spill that too? Why was Shiro so easy to talk to? "Do you mean to scar on your arm that you hid from Keith?"

"And others," I admitted. "I didn't exactly have the best childhood. I try not to think about it too much."

"Oh, Lance," Shiro sighed. He hugged me tightly, his tail wrapping around me. After a tense second I hugged him back. "I want you to talk to me about whatever is bothering you. I don't want you to hold it in anymore, okay?"

"Okay." I said, staring at him in shock. I never noticed before but he was actually attractive. Not in the way that his body is fucking hot, because I mean, who doesn't see that? But his face is gentle and inviting and it makes butterflies fly in my stomach.

Not only was he beautiful outside, he was beautiful inside too. Here he was, giving up precious hours of sleep just to try to comfort me. Shiro is just such an amazing person. Why couldn't I be more like him?

........shit. Do I like Shiro?

Shklance mothers. Boom.