Transformation: Blooming Forever More

Oneshot 2 - Wallflower Love Syndrome

I met him in a rush of fate. Adrenaline pumped through my veins, but I couldn't help but feel a bit left out. New person syndrome. That's how it is sometimes when you walk into a new environment with people you don't know. I turned my attention to the wall, just lining up for class, hoping that I at least wouldn't get bullied this year. Then I looked up and he smiled at me.

"Hey, you look a little lost. Are you ok?"

I couldn't help but smile back.

"I'm fine. It's just my first day here, and I don't really know anyone. I suppose I'm a bit nervous. Excited, though."

"I'm Louis."

"Jess."

And just like that, I felt safe. We spent most of the spare time in the next two days at college together, along with his friend Jack, who I swear was playing Cupid. He got us to sit together at the first masterclass. He measured our height and realised we're about the same. 5'7/8, give or take a few centimetres. Obviously it went too far for Louis to handle, or Jack had teased him or something, because he started spending less time with me. Yet, at the end of that second day, I found my stomach sprinting in circles that I didn't know there was room for in my body. I kept quiet and did my work, just as he did. When we were put together in performance classes, we did chat occasionally, and when we worked together there was such light within me I wanted to share it with him.

However, he wasn't completely happy. As he stated, he was in love with someone else. Someone who, I came to realise as I watched her one lunchtime, was such a close-minded person that I could have honestly thrown up at the way she judged people with special needs. I couldn't and still don't understand why he'd like someone as airheaded as her. She was literally depicting herself as the stereotype of a dumb blonde, which, if she'd used her initiative a bit more, with her choice in company and, based on the way she spoke of those special needs students, and use of her spare time, she could have been a lot more than just the preppy cheerleader who discriminated against others.

Not that I dwelled on it. He hasn't even talked about her since that time she got high and drunk at someone's (by the sound of it) house party. Here was where he told her he loved her. Whether or not she took him seriously is another thing, but at least he said it to her. Is my case that nerve-wracking that he can't even drop me a tab? It's been almost a year now and he still hasn't told me. Nat thinks he's fallen for me. Maybe he has. Misschien hij houd geen mij. I don't know. I wish I could understand. Perhaps a 491 to Satan's Balls would answer those questions I have about how men's minds are in their genitals most of the time and why they're there, and even what they really think when they give us a side glance or a pat on the back. All I want is to know before he leaves. Because he wants to go. It breaks my heart that he doesn't want to stay, even if he has had some bad experiences there. Even if he sees all those cameras around him that just aren't there. Even if his mental health is a problem, I love him. And it hurts. It makes my heart soar, then I crash right into the ground at full speed with no armour, no cushion of air or snow. With no one to catch me. He can't see the whirlwind of emotions that overwhelms me right now. He's too encompassed in his own.

I suppose that's why he mentions all those girls he's "interested" in. To test me. To understand my feelings and my reactions to his words. When he even decides that he'll talk about a girl, it drives me crazy. It pisses me off to no end. I don't want to know about your blonde airheaded crush. As much as I like Luena and would probably enjoy dating her too, I don't want to know about her. Just him complimenting them pisses me off. Why can't those compliments be for me?! If you like me, can't you save some compliments for the person you like the most? I know I'm a force to be reckoned with. Autistic. Wiccan. Pansexual. Non-binary. Witch. That's a lot of things to proclaim to be.

Sure, I might have pride issues and wallflower love syndrome, but that doesn't excuse him. That does not excuse the way he makes me feel. Yet that won't dissuade me from loving him. But he'd better be ready. Tomorrow I will look at him. On Tuesday I will say hi. Like a normal person. I will get my act together. Lover's Blues is not going to take me right now because I'm sick of hanging on his every word and not getting anything back.

If he loves me, he's going to have to chase me. And I'm fast. I'm one of the fastest runners and I can go for a long time. He'd better still be fit from his bodybuilding days, because I'm not waiting around much longer. I value my freedom, and if love means shackles like this, I want to fly instead. If he can't handle that, he'd better be able to say it. He'd better be the adult and admit that he does have some form of feelings for me if he wants to keep up. He'll have to shout loud enough for me to hear. Time waits for no one. Therefore, neither will I.