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WARNING!! THIS POEM TALKS ABOUT SENSITIVE TOPICS AS BULLYING, DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, AND A FEW OTHERS! READ AT YOUR ON CHOICE! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
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I once use to speak, All the time actually. I still speak today. Just, I'm scared too.
It's not your fault I don't speak. It's not anyone's fault. It is mine. At least that's what I am told.
Today, my mind is messed up. I say I am okay, I say it doesn't hurt, And I say I'm not in pain.
But I don't just say these things. I am told these things. I believe them too. I don't want too though.
But I believe these things. And I believe them so much, I am living the words I say now. I don't understand why though.
So now, every day I live in these words. The words I speak today. And nobody can change them! Nobody has ever.
I just wish people would stop lying to me! Help me understand I'm not okay. And tell me that I can get better if I will listen!
If they only would make me listen. If instead of yelling at me. If instead of getting upset with me. If instead saying they don't care...
If they only would understand that I need to learn to listen, If instead of listening to me. If they would make me listen, I wouldn't speak the words I speak today. I would speak better words!
But instead they don't. They all watch me suffer Because when I was eleven... This started
The bullying got worse, I transferred schools, Found out I was moving cities, And lost my best friend.
And these started the words I say today. It sounds petty and stupid. I know, but it's true.
Because not only did things get worse at school And friend wise. But family wise too, I slowly began to feel hate.
The first summer after I moved, I was twelve. My sister who was nine at that time got a kitchen knife and chased me through the house with it. I hid in my room, and little does she know, That knife touches my skin some nights.
I almost committed Suicide that night. None of my "friends" or family know. Can't it all just stop so I can say this? I'm not okay, can't I just say I am not okay?
Another year passes, I'm thirteen, soon to be fourteen. My Depression started over a year ago in the begining of this year. I quit acting to try and be better. I began to sing but changed the sound of my voice.
A few months later, I started saying "I'm not hungry." I was starving, literally starving. Not on accident, but I'm purpose. I starved myself that day.
Then, two people changed it for a moment. One said he would try and make me happy. The other said she would make me eat until I gained my weight back. They both lied.
Now, I say this, [IC]I say, "I'm okay. It's nothing." It's a lie, My thoughts say, "I am not okay, it is everything. Don't you see I am in pain."
It's March, I'm not changing in gym. My jeans are always dark colored, I always complain my legs hurt. I'm slowly opening up.
Then he approached me. "Hannah, are you cutting?" He asked, his words being sharp. I dont do anything. Don't shake my head, don't nod my head.
After a minute, I say the words I say today, "No, I am okay." He replied, "You aren't. Somebody gave me this." He showed me the note I passed to this girl.
He knew the truth behind why I don't speak anymore. He understood why I say what I do. But like everybody else who understood, He shut me out.
Today, 5-21-18, I am suffering a pain from the words I speak. I want to cry, bawl my eyes out. But it would disappoint my parents even more, the fact I can't stop crying to show that I am okay. Because they think I'm okay... So I am okay.
They tell me I'll be okay no matter what. They tell me that I will always have somebody who understands me. They say somebody will truly love the real me. [IC]But if I don't, how could anybody else?
Because this is the truth behind the words I speak today!
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