Burn // h.s

Chapter 29

I woke up again, on my own this time before Harry could wake me from my wicked dreams. The light peeking through the curtains indicated that the sun was soon to be rising which would be a perfect time to leave quietly without Harry knowing. 

This wasn't my first intention. My first intention was to stay in Harry's warm bed with his arm wrapped lazily around my waist, his heavy breathing and soft snores heard inches away from my face while his hair tickled my shoulder. I had every intention of doing just that when I closed my eyes in the late hours before, but of course once I'm feeling content something always gets in the way.

This time it was a dream, no not about Trey, but about Harry, and we were together and happy, almost as happy as I was when I drifted off to sleep knowing I poured everything out to Harry and he accepted it. Except the happiness in this dream wasn't the same, he was faking it while I was dancing through meadows of pure bliss. 

The bliss would soon end once I saw him and Michelle touching eachother in the most deceiving way. He whispered something in her ear and soon the both of them were staring and laughing straight in my face along with them purposely sucking face. Harry's eyes were on me with a smirk plastered on his face as he moved his hands down her body and into her pants.  

I know it was only a dream but that small part of me, that small hint that something like that was bond to happen, was eating me alive. And so the only thing I  could think of doing was running away, like the scared coward that I am.

As I wait for the cab I called to  to come pick me up, images of Harry's face when he wakes up in a few short hours, to find his bed cold and empty, pop into my mind and I instantly try to rid the horrible thoughts.

He would be angry of course, anyone would be, but he mostly would be confused and maybe even heartbroken. 

I told myself repeatedly that this was the best thing for me, to leave him in the dust and carry on with my life. But I knew that none of that could happen especially since last night I opened up to him more than I've ever opened up to anyone in my entire life and I felt connected to him in a way.

But I have to do this, no I needed to do this, to protect myself from the inevitable heartbreak that I've experienced so many times before. 

Last night was a red flag, finially opening up to someone and having someone touch you in ways you crave to be touched was a set up for disaster and without the dream warning me I still would be on the road to another hardship.

Maybe Im thinking way out of proportion but my heart is still healing itself from the cracks of not only Trey's mistakes but my mother's death so many years ago that I haven't gotten over yet.

But maybe the only way to heal my heart was to let Harry in to it? But I don't want to put myself though that again and I hate myself for walking out his front doorsteps and into the cold morning breeze. 

My mind for the whole cab ride was so occupied by Harry that I didn't even realize that I had made it back home. 

But why did I have to leave the first place?

The constant inner battle with myself was pushing me over the edge and I couldn't let myself have a breakdown in the middle of the parking lot. I couldn't even go to the comfort of my room due to last nights events with Lace and Max.  Yet again another thing I've screwed up. 

In a few short hours, Harry would probably call up all his friends and tell them how I'm such a bitch and soon I'll be left with no friends, no place to stay or anything. Maybe I belong that way.

Maybe I'll always be alone with no one to share my life with and grow old together.

With the ever growing thoughts of hatred towards myself, I seemed to have stumbled into the garden.