Late Night Thoughts

‎July ‎11, ‎2014 - 3 AM 

But do you understand? The thing here is that I love this boy so much more than to the moon and back. He is my everything and always has been. I don't know how to contain myself around him. I become happy. I'm not normally happy, but he makes me want to be happy. For myself and him. How do you even begin to describe someone who is your moon and sun? Your rise and fall? Your heartbeat? Your life. 

He makes me overfilled with joy. But at the same time, he makes me filled with misery. He is my life, my sunshine, my moon, my heartbeat, my breath. But then he is also my cigarette, which tears down my life one drag at a time. He is the water that puts out the raging inferno he himself started. He is the only reason to be happy, and that makes me think I should run. Run far, far, away from this beautiful boy who has consumed my entire being. He has ruined me, leaving my body a complete mess, but at the same time has built it up to be the most beautiful piece of art. 

I feel as a woman I should not be relying on a man for everything in my life, a man should not be the reason I wake up in the morning, he should not be the only reason I smile, he should not be the reason I am breathing. But he is. And I don't like it. Not one bit. He has come in, and done this to me, and now the only remains of my past self are the little floating memories in my head. Oh, how I wish to go back to those days. But being the selfish person I am, I also wish not too. I want to be here through all the damage he has caused me, I want him to leave me, so I can find by myself that I alone can survive. I want to feel his arms around me if only for a small, fleeting moment. I will carry those new memories with me forever and forget the old me, she is old. She is meant to stay in the past, and that is where I will leave her. So here in this letter, I have decided to myself and to him, that I will never be the same girl I was. I have decided I will be the girl that he destroys. And I will love every minute of it, for he was with me every step of the way.