Late Night Thoughts

December 26, 2014 - Worse

December 26, 2014 – February 22, 2015  – worse

12:38 am

I feel myself getting worse every day, I’m falling back in.  it’s like this wave, this huge wave that I keep swimming from, but I’ve been swimming for days, and there is no land in sight. My bones are getting tired, they can’t go on. I have a paper heart and it is slowly being soaked by the water that is coming in through the cracks of my glass mouth.

Sometimes I just want to fade away, turn into dust. Maybe come back as a flower. I want to float around the world as the dust of my bones, and I want to watch the sky as it changes colors everyday just like you did.  Your eyes were green naturally, but oh god, when you were happy. They turned the most beautiful emerald green, just like the forest after it rained. The green of your happy eyes is still my favorite color. But when you cried, your tears were blue and salty just like the wave I am swimming in right now. I could fix your blue and salty, but you cannot fix mine. You are not a raft that is searching the sea trying to find me. Oh, I wish you were. I wish you were a big, yellow, inflatable raft coming to find me, and save me from these waves that are drowning me. But now, you are yellow raft for another girl with wide eyes and a big imagination. You have not found a drop of me, but I have found you everywhere I look. 

This year, I’ve learned why pretty girls kiss boys they barely know, or why they have drinks they can barely stand the taste of. It’s all to get the taste of love off their tongues. I learned why I started smoking, it was to recreate the fire you left burning in my soul. But the thing here darling, is the fact that I can never escape you. I want to recreate the fire, but every time I do, it makes a bigger mess in my life. I am sorry for what I did. I wish you would come back. Come be my big yellow raft again.