Late Night Thoughts

February 22, 2015 - Brink

February 22, 2015 – brink

2:18 am

Something is wrong with me, I’m having flashbacks of a lost memory in the back of my mind that I didn’t even know I had. I am feeling more lonely than ever, even when surrounded by the warmth of flesh. I am distant, disconnected. I don’t pay attention, I can’t. I have disassociated myself from the rest of the world. “How is this possible?” I ask myself daily. I cannot feel any real emotion besides fear, and pain. I sit in either agony or numbness.  I have done everything I can to bring back something real and meaningful into my life, but to no avail. When you are hurting, you wish to feel nothing. To be numb. But when you actually achieve the total loss of feeling, it’s not what you imagined and you just want to feel something, to feel alive again. But once it is gone, there is no turning back. You’ve already sold your soul, what more do you have to lose?

I am starting to scare myself. People are scared of me, and now I can see why. For example, I woke up, angry. For no reason. I was so mad, so mad at myself, at my school, at my life, at the path I’m taking. I got so worked up, I started punching the wall. Repeatedly, again, again, again, again…It wasn’t helping to control the fire burning in my veins, so I started hitting my head against the wall, hoping I would hit it hard enough to pass out. That’s when she came running into the room and begged me to stop. My mind was racing, I want the world to be quiet for awhile. My mind dipped into a dark place when I was hurting myself like that. I tasted insanity. I felt it. I saw it. It’s so inviting and it lures you towards the dark void. It was so dark. My mind is on the brink of darkness.