Beyond The Curtains (Under Editing)

IT

IT has always been there.

IT may have been gone for four and half years...

But IT still attacks me when I'm staring at my ceiling wondering why?

Why did it happen to my family?

Why was it me?

Why didnt they help?

Wasnt I worth of there protection?

I sometimes wonder if IT ever felt sorry for what IT had done to me

Or why IT felt cool to go after her after hurting me the way IT did

I hate that my parents dont care enough to keep IT away even when I have told them my discomfort.

Or why they just ignored it like it never happend.

Or that my dad called me a liar. I love my dad I do, but I can only take so much

I constently tell them I love them, as if I need to make myself belive they love me by having them repeat it.

Why.   Why.   Why.  Why.   Why. Why!!!

What did I do to get no protection?

What did I do for them to call me the names they have?

WHAT DID I DO?!

I deserved acknowledgment, love,and respect from them but I've never had it.

They have seemed to make me uncomfortable in my own home!

I feel trapped.

I'm struggling.

I cant breath.

I need out...

I want them to know what it feels like to walk into there own home, and get hit with anxiety for the fear of being called fat, disgusting, or a liar.

Maybe the fact that one day I might walk in and get hit, or just completly ignored.

I have to ask for food for god sakes!

I haven't done anything!

Ive been a good child for them!

Ive been anything but bad!

I want someone who cares!

Who will love me!

Who wont hate me!

Who wont leave me!

Maybe I should just disappear.

Maybe that would be best...

Maybe I should just stop caring again.

I was better of that way... Not caring.

I was more fun I could do things then.

But now IT has me messed up.

My thought are twisted and I cant recognize myself anymore!

IT FUCKING BROKE ME!

God damit all of it was his fault.

His dumb choice to hurt me!

Ive been blaming myself to long and I can't anymore.

He hurt me, and broke me to the point I cant say his name.

I've called him IT to long I'm done!

He sexually abused me and Im ready to acknowledge that I'm not okay and haven't been for a while.

That it wasnt my fault but his for doing it and my parents for not doing anything.

______________________________________

If you or anyone you know is getting sexually abused or abused in general you need to speak up!

No one and I repeat no on should have to go through that alone!

I had to go through this and Im not okay but Im getting help and so should you if you're in this situation!

You all diserve the help and love dont give up on your self okay! I love and care for you all!!!

Have a good night morning and day lovelies you're all worth it!