Deep Brown Eyes | N. AMARO | Law & Order SVU

C H A P T E R | 1 2

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I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help it.

A couple of times, we were about to go to his house, but I always refused. He shared that house with Maria and my pride never allowed me to be there with Nick. I probably need to be a little more like Kim and make my pride go away.

I didn't even know that Nick was so close to Kim to invite her to his house.

"Hi, Vanessa, right?" She greets me very smiling so I fake a smile that I hope looks friendly and nodd "It's been a time since last time I saw you..."

I keep my smile knowing that she only said that to be polite because the time she was living with Amanda, I didn't see her much, we didn't even have a conversation of our own.

"Hello Kim, I... I'm sorry, I don't bother you anymore," I say and I start my way downstaris.

I see the blonde smile and going back into the house.

"It's not what you think," says Nick, denying.

"What do you mean?" I ask with a smile to let him know that his secret is safe with me and I walk towards Rafael's car feeling more miserable than ever.

I try to hide my feelings because I know how ridiculous I probably look. I mean, Nick and I are nothing, we didn't even have too much time with our "thing" and that's what scares me the most.

How in a couple of months had he managed to get into my head that much?

"What's going on?" My friend asks me when I'm putting on my seatbelt.

"That I am stupid, that happens" I say turning a few seconds to him, then I take my gaze down and shake my head "Don't tell me 'I told you so' and let's go..."

"He wasn't alone," Rafael says as he starts the car.

"He was never mine, Rafa" I say with a sigh "And even knowing that, I gave him a lot of me."

The car moves and I put my back completely in the seat, I hear a sigh from me and I appreciate the fact that Rafael doesn't say anything about it because right now I don't want any advice or any point of view.

All these feelings towards Nick have intensified in recent weeks, which had not happened with Adam or Will, this had never happened to me with any of my ex-boyfriends and it's something that stresses me too much, because I know it's not going to end okay.

At this moment I regret as I had never done, if I had listened to Rafael when he warned me, this wouldn't be happening.

A few days ago, I thought that if sex was the only way to have him, I was willing to have him that way. But today, when I saw Amanda's sister in her house, I realized that I'm just lying to myself.

"I must end that" I say putting now my head in the window.

"I knew you hadn't done it" Rafael responds, but I don't feel that he's scolding me or something like that.

I know he is worried about me and my feelings.

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When I arrive at the office, the only one who is there is Fin who greets me with a smile when he sees me. I give him a smile as well and I go to my desk, I take off my coat, I put it on the back of my chair and I let myself fall into it.