Sluts & Suicide

m u t t e r s e e l e n a l l e i n

     mutterseelenallein: (adj) to be utterly and extremely alone or lonely, that no one could even find you or reach for you, physically and mentally

     Jessi replied to the text faster than Emme had expected. She had explained that she didn't feel good and was heading home. But knowing her, she will figure out that she didn't want to face the embarrassment from this morning. But luckly, Jessi went along with the lie.

     Emme changed into some pajama pants and a loose tank top. She put on a movie and laid on her bed and mourned about this morning.

     Her mind kept on wondering back to Josh. She needed to know if he was still on for tonight. Probably not. A defeated sigh escaped her lips. She was still embarrassed about this morning.

     A honk sounded outside and it broke Emme out of her trance. She groaned as she moved from her position on her duvet. Her fingers opened the blinds and she saw a car waiting in the driveway.

     She started down the stairs. Before she could get to the door, a knock resonated throughout the three story, expensive house. She opened the grey painted door to reveal the black haired girl.

     The girl smiled grimmly as she took in Emme's appearance. She chuckled and shook her head.

     "I hope you're doing better after, ya know, today's incident," she said softly. Emme gave her a once over. She was wearing a graphic tee, a cardigan, ripped jeans, and lace-up combat boots. It looked beyond comfortable, but Emme wasn't about to admit that.

     "What are you doing here," Emme interogated the girl, her tone terse. She glared at the girl. She looked taken aback from Emme's tone, but answered nevertheless.

     "Just thought I should check in on you. You seemed pretty.. crushed in the bathroom."

     Emme only scoffed. Why would this girl care? No one cared about her, even though they pretended to.

     "Anyways, I'm Vickie, but you can call me Vee. Everyone else does," she said, sounding kind even after Emme had been super rude towards her.

     "Look here, Vee. I don't really give a crap about you. And I know deep down inside, you despise me. So why don't you just go back to your perfect life, huh," Emme sneered at the the girl.

     Vee now wore a hurt expression, but she covered it up. She let out a shaky breath. "Fine," she whispered defeatedly. She turned away from Emme and solemnly walked back to her car. She turned and looked back at Emme. She had on her own passive face, something that seemed to come naturally to her.

     Vee scrunched her nose and slid into her car and drove off.

     Emme closed the door and marched back up to her room. She knew she shouldn't have snapped at the girl, but she couldn't help it. She knew Vee didn't care.

     That night, she fell asleep to the sound of her sobs. Tears had soaked her pillow and blood was bleeding through the bandages on her wrists. She had taken a blade to her wrist again, feeling the need to not feel numb. Also feeling she deserved it.

     That night, she was vulnerable. She was broken. She felt worthless, fat, ugly. She had lost all hope. It was something about the fact that a girl had showed up on her front doorstep and asked her if she was okay. But deep down, Emme knew she didn't care.

     Emme had lost herself, and she knew that no one would ever find her. Not even herself.

     Morning came so soon. Sooner than wanted. Emme's nose was stuffed up. She rolled out of bed and prepared for another day of numbness.