Call Me Simon

Chapter 18

Simon

I can't believe I just did that. I threatened a person and I did it in front of my boyfriend. God, I don't know what is going on with me And the look that Elio gave me just broke me in half. I didn't mean to scare him.

I move up to him. "Elio, I'm so sorry."

He backs away from me. His breathing starts to go faster. Tears stream down his face.

Abby moves over to him. "Are you okay?"

He shakes his head and I make a huge realization. I am the reason that Elio is having a panic attack. I'm the reason he's screaming and crying right now. I don't know what to do. How am I going to be able to help him when I'm the cause?

Abby and Elio walk out and I start to cry a little.

Leah walks up to me. "What's wrong?"

"Elio is having a panic attack because of me." I say.

"What are you talking about?" she says.

"I just threatened Martin. Because of that, Elio is probably losing his mind right now." I say.

"He was losing his mind before he left." she says.

"You are not making anything better." I say.

"Sorry." she says.

"Whatever." I say.

"Do you want to talk about this?" she asks.

"Why are you talking like a therapist?" I ask.

"I have no idea." she says.

"I'll talk to you as long as you don't talk like that." I say.

"Alright, fine." she says.

"You know how Oliver is the reason why Elio has these panic attacks?" I ask.

"Yeah. I mean we had a long conversation about this." she says.

"Well, I just caused this panic attack. Does that mean I'm just as bad as Oliver?" I ask.

"What makes you think that?" she asks.

"I don't know. It's just... I don't want to be like him." I say.

"Well, you're not. You are better. You are so much better." she says.

"Really?" I say.

"Yes. You are a great boyfriend to Elio." she says. "Oliver wished he could've been like that."

That last line got me. Maybe she's right. Maybe I'm worrying for nothing. I wish I can tell her that but a part of me thinks otherwise. It thinks that I should be better. That I should do better. I wish that I could ignore that part of me.

I wish that part of me could go die in a hole.

Elio

I couldn't take it anymore. It hurt too much. It felt too much. And I didn't want to feel anymore. I don't want to feel anymore. But it just hurts. I didn't want any of this. And maybe my parents are right. Being here makes me go into so many panic attacks. But I don't think I can come out of this one. Not when I'm staring at the person who helps me, and I don't want him to help me. It hurts too much. And when he tried to help me, I didn't want him to touch me. Don't touch me. I couldn't care about what he said to me, I backed away. I could feel someone come up to me.

"Are you okay?" I heard Abby ask me. All I could do was nod. I felt like I was dying and no one can help me. The weight fell on my shoulders and I dropped to the ground. It hurts. Why can't I be normal? I don't want this! The voice in my head yelled. And to drown it out I screamed. I don't care if anyone stared. I feel someone help me get up and walk.

The grass and sun tickled my skin when Oliver and I were under a big tree. And all we could do was not talk to each other, for there was nothing to talk about. And even if we did, and I can't remember what words were exchanged, a mouth was kissed upon mine. It wasn't what I thought his lips would be. I thought they were rough, but they were smooth. Now I can see why all the girls fawn over him. He was the one to first pull away.

"Better now?" He asks. I looked away, but got up to kiss him again.

But he pushed me aside. Saying that we can't go far, can't see what we can do with and to each other. He says that we haven't done anything that we will regret in the future. We both sat up and I put my hand on his pants.

"Am I offending you?" I ask, still trying to persevere. He shook his head at my antics.

"No." He says and gets up, helping me up too. Something that I'll regret. Something that I'll regret.

I'm pulled out of my flashback from hearing someone calling my name.

"Elio? Elio?" I hear Abby say. I nod my head, giving them a sign that I'm with them. Abby nodded. I see someone walk around a desk to get something and walk back to us.

"This is the second time this week you're in my office, Elio." The nurse says.

"Sorry." I whisper, my voice shaking a bit. She nodded and gave me some water.

"Here, it should help you." She says. I nod and take the water from her and take a sip. Abby rubs my back as I drink.

"You okay?" She asks. I nod my head.

"Why didn't you let Simon help you?" Abby asks. And then I realize something. Simon's probably hurt because I didn't let him help me. I groan and put my head in my hands.

"You don't have to talk about it." She says. I shake my head.

"I'm such a horrible boyfriend." I mumble.

"No you're not. You make Simon happy." She says.

"Not after today. He's probably hurt because I didn't let him help me." I say.

"Why did you have that attack?" Abby asks.

"Simon threaten to hurt someone, no matter how horrible they are, because of me. I saw something in him that I've never seen before. Not even with the video. But he almost killed someone today for me. And I'm nothing." I explain. I turn to Abby to see her eyes full of hurt. Great, now I hurt two people I care about in the same day.

Abby shakes her head. "You are not nothing. You are someone who lights up a room, even if you don't know what the room is full of. You're a curious person who wants to know everything. The reason Simon almost killed Martin was because he was defending you. Martin made you feel like you're nothing, but Simon knew you weren't. He was protecting you so that you don't have to feel that way. Simon loves and cares about you. He only did that to help you. And as much as I hate Martin, Simon did the right thing. The last thing you need is to visit your boyfriend who's in jail." Abby says. Her tears were streaming down her face. I hugged Abby and rubbed her back.

"Thank you. All of you." I mumbled to her. She nodded her head.

Thank you for making me live.