I'm home. And he's here.
Bucky's here
I'm coming home from a mission
And he's making coffee
Or watching tv on the couch
Or curled up on the sofa,
Reading
'Hey!' He always says. 'You're back' he always says. And I want to break down and cry and hug him and say I'm sorry and that I love him and that I can't live with out him. But I can't. Or I don't. I don't care. I wish I could live here.
'Of course.' I say. 'I'll always come back' I say
But deep down, I know that he won't.
I couldn't save him.
I don't want to do anything.
We kiss.
And he hands me a cup of coffee.
And we talk
Or watch tv
Or I get a book and sit next to him.
And then we eat dinner.
It's not important what it is.
Just that he's there
'I'm going to bed' he says. 'I love you.' He says. 'Goodnight' he says.
'I love you too' I say
My voice cracking
And then I wake up.
Nat and the others keep coming over
'You have to eat' they say
'You can't sleep forever' they say
But I know I can
The endless sleep is so tempting
But I don't give up
Not again
When it first hit me,
I tried. Natasha found me. She called tony.
And an ambulance.
I was bleeding out. I wanted to bleed out.
He's gone. Again
A nurse shared it and now, everyone knows. And I can't make it. Every time I go outside, someone says, it's gonna be ok, or spits on me. I think they've figured it out now. Me and Buck. I don't care anymore.
I know there's a chance to get them back. It's collecting the stones. Finding thanos. I don't know which it is. They're finding out.
Carol is here now. I trust her. She's a better captain than me. She should take over.
When
If i get him back, I'm quitting. We could move to a farm somewhere in Wakanda Mabey. Adopt a kid. Be happy. Cook. Read. Raise kids. Have a few animals. We'd be happy.
Tony wants me to see a specialist
I've already told nat. Kind of
'You made it through last time' she said
'Barely' I wisper
'It's gonna be ok' she said
'I don't think so' I whisper
'You have us' she said
'I loved him' I say, a bit louder than a whisper
'So much. I love him so much. I don't believe he's gone. He can't be gone, or I lose myself too.' Is say
'Help me' I say
She just hugs me. She's much smaller than me. I snuggle into her chest and cry.
I think she told tony. Or atleast some of it.
He wants me to see someone.
That was two months after thanos won
Tony wants me to see someone
I don't. I just lie in bed. And look at where he used to sit. I remember his smile. His eyes. His shitty jokes. His voice. I would dO anything to hear that god damn voice.
Why is this happening to me.
Whenever someone says
'Steve?'
I break down
when he left
A part of me left too
And that part left the door open
And now the rest of me
Is slowly fluttering away
If I'm gone
Will I be with Bucky?
