He Was My Cousin

Chapter 46

Chapter 46
Risk Worth Taking

"She deserves someone better, Aya. She's just... too precious to be stuck with me," nakangiting sabi ni Ian. My heart sank because even though Ian's smiling right now, I could clearly see the pain in his eyes. Ella and Ian still both love each other - that, I was sure. Sadly, it just didn't work out until the end.

We're at a food place near JMU. Dito kami madalas kumain noong college 'pag sinipag kaming lumabas para mag-lunch. It's quiet and serves good food.

He called me late afternoon yesterday asking if we could meet up for lunch. Ibibigay raw kasi niya 'yung regalo niya para sa Pasko. It's been over a month since Christmas. Magpe-Pebrero na nga. It's because he doesn't usually hang out with us anymore. Gano'n din si Jiro. It's sad... but I guess that's the consequence of the decisions we've made, and we have to live with it.

"I love her," he admitted. "But I also want to be the best dad for my son. Lumalaki na rin 'yung bata. I thought I was doing my best for the both of them pero kulang pa rin pala. I want to give the world to Ella, but I can't even give my all... That's fucking frustrating."

He sighed and looked at me. "Ikaw? How are you? Won't you ask about Jiro? We had a drink yesterday," sabi niya, pag-iiba ng usapan.

I squinted my eyes. He laughed and said, "Oh no. We didn't get wasted because you and your best friend dumped our asses. It was a Friday night, we just needed a good break from work. He has a big project coming up."

Ngumiti ako. "I'm glad things are going well for him, but I'd rather not ask about him."

Napahinto siya. He looked at me as if he was analyzing my next move. I saw hesitation in his eyes and when he opened his mouth to speak, I knew why.

"Is Paolo worth it?"

Ma-ingat ang pagtatanong niya. Naramdaman ko ang pagsikip ng dibdib ko ko. I realized, if there was one person I'm sorry to for being with Paolo aside from my parents, it would be Ian.

I started all these with Paolo while I was in a relationship with Ian. I could have broken up with him but I chose to deliberately hurt him by staying in the relationship while being in love with someone else.

We both had our mistakes. We both hurt each other. But cheating gives a different kind of hurt and I'll forever be sorry for it. Sure, he thought he impregnated Sandrine, but he was used. I wouldn't even consider that cheating.

"Paolo and I have been through a lot, don't you think? I think a lot about a future with him. Just thinking, imagining about it makes me ecstatic. Pero minsan biglang sumasagi sa isip ko... paano? Paano mamin i-eexplain? Sa iba naming mga kaibigan, sa mga family friends, sa mga malayong kamag-anak? If we end up together and have children, how do we actually answer them if they ask how Paolo and I met?" Huminga ako nang malalim. "Paolo will always be worth it, Ian. Ako nga 'yung napapaisip minsan, ako 'yung natatakot na baka ma-realize niya na hindi ako worth it. That guy has fought so many battles for me. I don't even know if this lifetime is enough to make it up to him and make him feel how much I love him."

Napatulala lang si Ian sa akin. He blinked. Once. Twice.

"I'm sorry, I blabbered," I said, giving out a nervous laugh as I reach for my glass of iced tea.

"No, wow... I just realized now how beautiful it is to listen to people talk about the person they love. And you were telling me hindi pa kayo niyan?"

I shrugged and drank from my glass, trying to brush off the fact that my cheeks were burning.

"He wanted to be able to do things we couldn't do before..."

"I'm impressed by his patience." He laughed. "But really, aren't you one bit curious about Jiro?"