He Was My Cousin

Epilogue (Part 4 of 6)

"I'm sorry for leaving just like that the other night," I told Vienne. After I saw her slapping Aya, my head went blank. She has no right to pin the blame on Aya. All is on me. But despite what she has done, I knew I owe her of a decent end. Maybe I even owe her more than that, but that's the only thing I could give her in this lifetime. Kaya nang lumamig ang ulo ko ay pinuntahan ko siya sa apartment niya.

"Pao..." she trailed off. She took a deep breath. "I don't care anymore. Kakalimutan ko lahat, Paolo. Lahat... I'll never talk about any of it. Ever. Bumalik ka na please."

At that moment I felt like I was seeing my twenty-one-year-old self. I was transported back in time... the time I was begging Aya to stay and choose me. I still grimace at that memory and now it feels like a nightmare that I'm doing this to somebody else... that I'm inflicting the pain I once felt knowing how much this could hurt her.

"Tama na," mahina kong sabi. "Ayoko na, Vienne."

I shut my eyes tight when I said it. I could say it was for her. I could say it's because I didn't deserve her. I could say it was because she deserves someone better. But that would be sugarcoating it and probably a deliberate lie. It was for me. I was breaking up with her for my own sake and I wouldn't be a bigger asshole lying about that.

"A-ayaw mo na?" she whimpered. "Paolo, three years, we've been together for three years! 'Wag mo namang sayangin 'yun. Please. We'll try to work it out. I promise I'll be better. I'd be more understanding, I'd be prettier. I'll do anything for you. For us."

"It's not your fault," matigas kong saway sa kanya. "You never fell short in anything, V."

She held my hands and kissed it. "Then why can't it be me?" she said in between her cries, her tears wetting my hands.

I didn't want to give her the it's not you, it's me talk. I kept silent until her sobs died. Tumingala siya sa akin, "It's because of Aya, right? Siya lang talaga 'yung dahilan." She quickly wiped her tears. "Why didn't you tell me she's Candy? Why didn't you tell me you fell in love with your cousin?!"

That clicked it. Cousin. I always lose it when they call her my cousin.

I gritted my teeth, "She's not my cousin."

"Pao, sinaktan ka niya! She left you when you readily relinquished everything for her. Sasayangin mo 'yung tatlong taon natin para sa kanya? What if she leaves you again, Pao? Hindi mo ba naisip 'yun? That she could do it all over again? Just how miserable could you get?"

I thought about that numerous times. The reason why it took me this long to admit I still want Aya was because I was afraid to give her the bullet to hurt me again. But spending the past months with her made me realize how dumb I was to only focus on my pain. She went through just as much as I did if not more.

Sure, she's in a relationship with Jiro now but I am going to wait. No matter how long that will take. I need to stop using Vienne as shield... to pretend I am not alone, to pretend that I am happy with what I have, to pretend I am no longer in love with the girl they said I shouldn't love.

"Vienne, if we stay together, you'd just be wasting your time. Let's end it now."

"Ang gago mo." Natawa siya. "Sinayang mo na 'yung tatlong taon ng buhay ko, Pao!"

She stood up. I did too and reached for her. "Akala ko 'pag hindi ako umalis, 'pag lagi akong nand'yan para sa'yo... akala ko mahihigitan ko siya sa buhay mo."

Hinawi niya ang kamay ko. "You think I didn't know? That you just stayed because you were guilty for fucking me? Guilty that I became your virgin? Sana noon mo pa ako sinaktan! Sana pinamukha mo na lang sa'king pang-one night stand lang ako kaysa sinayang mo 'yung tatlong taon ng buhay ko tapos sasaktan mo lang din naman ako!"