✨thoughts✨

dear dad. (part one)

Why must he not think of us?

He always says that he cares and he is getting better, but how can I believe that when he drinks so much.

He never thinks to stop for a week or two

He is making his brain go to stew.

I love and hate him so bad.

But honestly I don't know how to keep myself from getting so mad.

He tries to look like he cares.

But all I get is awkward glances and stares.

It's like he tried to buy my happiness and love.

It never helps the glove.

Gloves of my small fragile hands.

That he helped create and stand.

He thinks I am okay with his problem.

I hate this problem he thinks I'm okay with.

I try to stand up for myself.

I end up giving in and loosing myself.

He thinks my depression is a joke.

That I'm looking for attention.

That my scars are for pity.

That my heart is making up these things.

That I don't feel the way I do.

The truth is.

I don't look for attention. My depression is something I cannot control.

My scars are from times I lost control of my self, not for pity.

My heart feels numb and sad all the time. I don't make that up.

I feel sad I feel dead. And I feel used.

He doesn't understand how I feel.

I'm going through a lot. And he doesn't give a care about it.

I'm not perfect. I'm not who you think I am. I'm me. A kid. I'm depressed. I'm not okay with who I am. Get over it. I'm not your perfect little girl. I'm tired of your excuses and crap. If you really freaking cared you wouldn't get drunk the day after you got drunk and yelled at everyone in public. You would stop.

This is the real me. I know you will see this eventually. I'm tired of being quiet. I'm tired of crying because of you. You are supposed to be there for us. Why do you expect so much of me? Why do I have to be perfect?.

Leave me be. If you don't understand that I don't know if I am gonna ever be close to you again.

Realize I'm not okay. Then maybe  we can be okay again.