It Ends In Absurdity

Chapter 2

I woke up at the perfect moment for I had to go to work. I don't know how I managed to maintain this job, I hated it. Working in a restaurant as a cook sucked. I knew I had the potential to do something more, become more than what I settled in. Yet despite the hate for myself, and the job, I did not have the power to pick myself up and change. This job as miserable and menial as it was, helped me drown myself in the noise of the outside. It was a distraction from myself. When you are being ordered around there is little time to think about yourself. Sure you hate the boss and the work you do, there is no excitement in any of the things you do at work. Living one paycheck to the next. You work to make money. That's the game. You buy some crap and then there's another thing and so on. We feed the illusion until it makes sense to us.

A string of continuous days, one day indistinguishable from the next one. On the surface you'd say there is nothing different about me from the guy next door. My existence summed so far 22 years. Sometimes, or should I say that oft-times I pondered how many out of those was I truly living and enjoying life. I don't know how to describe myself, for it seems that the person I am is just another facade I put on in public. In some cases I am great at playing the role of the happy, cheery, life is amazing guy. But that's draining. Ah, you can't imagine how exhausting it is to pretend. It is much easier to be who you are. But, you already know that in society if who you are is different from what you are expected to be. Well, then there is a clash, a sort of conflict so to say. I mean I can't tell my boss that he is a piece of narcissistic shit who orders around meanwhile doing jack ass and getting paid for it. I can't. I mean I could, oh sure thing I could. We can do anything, the sky is the limit. But you see, if you want to earn the money to finance your amazing lifestyle you need to obey. Obey dear friend. That's the number one rule. You are free to do as you wish. But you need to obey.

Everybody leaves. I came to understand that for the most part I've walked most of my life a lonely road. It's an illusion we feed that we have others, the reality is we are alone and nobody and nothing will change that. As much as I want to feel like I belong here, in this life, this projection, I just don't. I don't know why I do it, yet nevertheless here I am. Sometimes I think that I have something worth saying, but then what hasn't been said already? We all go through our own problems and struggles. We all have an idea of what being depressed, sad, anxious or neurotic is like. All that is different is our intensity of it, our inner voices, our imagination, perception. I am not so sure where I am going with this. All I know is that life is depressing, existence is mundane and pointless. There you go. I am another piece of this puzzle, longing to be forgotten and even more so - non-existent. But, given the circumstances I am well alive and breathing. A conscious being, struggling with my inner demons, just like the rest of you. The only difference is that some see a point in their struggle, they fight to overcome it and get someplace, achieve that grand goal off their life's bucket list. Whereas I don't see the point, nor do I want to get somewhere or become someone. I just am. And for now that's just where it leaves me. Being. All I do is keep on living, doing the least necessary to survive until tomorrow comes. In hopes for what? That things might somehow miraculously change for me? That my views and how I feel will change? It hasn't for so long.

Today is just another day. Just like the many before this one, and the who knows how many after. It feels like I became way too disconnected from the world around me. Society seems so uncanny, even unreal at times. I see people in the streets walking by, every person going their way. Decrepit people driving their motorized wheelchairs, their bodies undergoing the destruction of what used to be once young and full of life. Life's stages are so simple - first you're an infant, a child, a teenager, an adult, an old person, a corpse.

You are born and you are expected to die. The expectations for our death is evidently biological. Our ultimate horror story is the inevitable death lurking somewhere in the background. We are not given any control or say in the matter. But then there are different types of death - suicide, natural death, homicide just to name a few. There is a problem with the suicide death. You can end your life, well sure you can. But not in a humane way. A shotgun to the head, hanging, jumping, overdose, all taboo methods that obliterate every fiber of our being into the abyss.