It Ends In Absurdity

Chapter 4

It was 6:30 A.M. The room was cold. The window propped open. Emily was sleeping, her back facing me. The blanket over her ears, she was cold. I slowly got up and walked around the bed towards the window and closed it shut. Outside I saw an old man holding a newspaper in his right hand and swinging it as he moved along the street. I wondered, how his old age made him feel. I am not old, and yet I feel like dying. Is he content with his life, is there more to want from life? Is he alone? I watched him until he disappeared and then I looked at her, she had this serene look on her face. She was all huddled up. I wondered what was she dreaming of. I was cold and so put a sweater on and went to the bathroom. I rinsed my face with some warm water, and brushed my teeth. I kept watching the face staring back. Who is that guy? Who are you? I kept asking as if expecting the reflection to talk back. I was not delusional to the point of expecting answers, but I did want to know who I was. I felt too lost, sometimes I think I was lost to the point of no return. This was the story of my life. A story I didn't even know who the protagonist was anymore, how depressing. I noticed the bags under my eyes. I had this tired look, what did other people think when they looked at me? I felt tired. I had to go to work. Fuck work. I glanced once more in the mirror. No response, just a blank stare and a few blinks back. What a mess. I just put on my jeans and a shirt, my jacket and shoes. All done with automatism, as so many days, months and years before. It was a new day, it didn't feel like it.

I decided to write Emily a note, it read:

'Good morning, left to work.

Had a great time.

Feel free to make yourself breakfast.

Hope to see you again.

-Jax'

I put it on the bedside table, I glimpsed at her for one last time before I left.

I have to take a 15 minute walk to get to work. It's the one part I enjoy - walking in nature. I pass through a park on my way. It's empty, a few cars can be heard in the distance. I shiver and it brings back the same sensations of waking up early and having to endure the coldness of the September days on the way to kindergarten, school, then college. The waking up is always the hardest part. Who in their right mind would enjoy getting out of bed in the morning and go somewhere? I loved the nights, I hated mornings. I was an adult now, my problems are not so unique, others have it harder. And yet, somehow, I am not others, I am myself. And this is my life, and these were my struggles. I kept on walking and I looked above me. I could see the white traces left by planes that soared above me. I noticed the half moon suspended in the sky. I noticed the trees tremble. Crusty, rusted leaves covered the sidewalk. I stepped on them and I swung my leg and kicked the leaves. The small things, it's always the small things that are the most enjoyable in life. I am all alone, and it's all I could ask for. Not for long, ahead were hours spent surrounded by noise, people, gossip, small- talk, pleasantries, fakeness. It's amazing to me how life is in a constant change, just this time a couple of years ago I had been in a college class, studying. A student. Now a working man. Going to a job that I am indifferent to. I hated work, I never understood the appeal of working. I wasn't going to be a businessman, a corporate person. I wouldn't have a career or a family. At least I knew some things that I didn't have any ambition to accomplish. I didn't want to do any of it. Are there people who actually want to? The paradox. For now I am going with this game, I needed to survive for a little longer. After I am done playing, I will finally be at peace. Life is unreal, this day is unreal, I don't deserve anything, and I don't want anything.

Life just throws struggles at you and the only rewards for those are trite, pointless distractions. One more beer, one more love, one more book, movie, song, one more walk, one more picnic, one more favorite snack. One more out of so many more to choose from, until there's finally no more. Once you lose love, hope or belief, there is no point in going any further. Life is lost on you. Without a goal in sight, existence was null.