It Ends In Absurdity

Chapter 9

I did not sleep that entire night. Emily seemed content, she was deep in her sleep. At times I think I heard her mumbling something, but I couldn't make anything of it. What was she dreaming of? Was I a part of her dreams? I would never find out. At 6 A.M I dressed myself and for about 5 minutes I just stood in the corner of the room and simply watched her. Was I forsaking a potential future near her? Was I giving up too soon? Maybe things had a chance at improving. Truth is I knew that how I felt in that moment, and what I was doing was acting on impulse. Like so often I did act on impulse. It's just that this pull to leave, to abandon everything and everyone was too strong. This was for a moment the one thing that actually made sense. I knew I was a hypocrite, a bad person, the things I did, sometimes I myself could not explain it. I just could not be open with another, I did not want to let Emily be a part of my mess. Although it was already too late for that, we shared a moment, we already were bonded by some invisible, ethereal strings. The point going further? There was none. The delusion will just move on. I pondered whether I should live her a note or not. I would not. There was no goodbye kiss, hug or spoken word, all that was left was a goodbye glance.

Farewell Emily.

As I arrived at my place I started packing some things in my backpack. There wasn't much to take. I didn't need a lot of clothes, the bare minimum would suffice. I had a dilemma, which books would I take with me. I had accumulated a collection, and yet some authors were so dear to me that I could not live them behind. I had to take them with me. I put in my backpack: 'A lucky man' by Octavian Paler, Stig Sæterbakken's 'Self-control' and ironically his other book titled 'Don't Leave Me'. I also recently purchased Ageiieev's 'Novel with Cocaine' that I did not get around to read, yet knew I wanted to. I phoned the landlord and told him that I was leaving, he could keep the rest of the money paid for the month. I left some things and told him he could do with them as he pleased. We said our farewells. He was evidently surprised by this rush, and yet there was no time to spare. I had work in 2 hours, but I wouldn't go. I wanted to disappear, leave the country and just vanish. For the first time there was a sense of adventure in abandoning everything. No longer was I tied to this place, I had saved some cash that would be enough to finance my trip. I went to the train station and bought the first train ticket to Amsterdam. My idea with this journey was not to explore places, go to museums, or meet people. The idea of my trip was to lose myself, to wander, to be, to do as I pleased, to waste time, to drink myself into stupor.

As I boarded the train I moved to the window seat and positioned myself facing the back of the train. That way I could not see what was ahead, but what I was leaving behind. The time spent in this place, the place itself meant not much to me. Awaiting, I thought myself of the stupidity of my plan. It was so naive, I felt like punching myself against the window until I broke it or it broke my skull. Or both. So what if I died, so what if I lived on? I felt my forehead perspire, I wasn't hot, a sudden nervousness and fear laid it's arms around me. Breathing became a burden, being around people made me feel restless. I felt my heart throbbing, my hands clammy, a feeling of nausea hovered over my entire body, my legs were shaking and I couldn't control any of it. This body was no longer mine, it did as it pleased, I've lost control for good.

The train departed. I opened my backpack and re-read the first page of Stig Sæterbakken's novel 'Don't Leave Me'

'Picture it. You're twenty-one years old and you know your life is over. Society is evil. Everybody is evil. If you had a nuclear bomb you wouldn't hesitate. Yet you're aware of the teeming street below. The hum of engines. Talk. The clacking of heels on the pavements. A clamor of impatient movement and life...Voices, footsteps, music, digging, drilling, banging, sites, activity that attests to the plans and energy that abounds, all of it reaching you. But you're not a part of it. You have been, but not anymore. What formed the connection is gone. And what's left is worthless. Nothing is holding you back. It won't cost you anything to leave it.'