It Ends In Absurdity

Chapter 13

The time is 10 P.M. Everything is the exact same way as I remember it. The house looks all the same. I stand with the backpack by my side and take a deep breath before ringing the doorbell. A moment of hesitation, then all the doubt passes by as another being takes hold of me reaches and presses the button. I wait for some more then I hear the door open and a somber 'Just a moment' from someone from the inside. That someone was none other than my father, when our eyes finally met and we recognized one another I muttered, a barely audible 'Hi.'

'Hi, what a surprise this is. Come inside.' he said.

I lifted the backpack and stepped in. As I took the jacket off and then proceeded to take my shoes off, my mom approached and at my sight shrieked a 'Jax what are you doing here?'

'Surprise!' I replied and hugged her too.

'Well this is a good surprise nevertheless, come on in. Are you hungry? Never mind, I will heat some soup for you.'

'Oh thanks.' I said.

As we went and sat around the kitchen table the interrogation began. Was everything alright? Why did I come without any notice? What was going on?

'I just wanted to see you, that's all.'

'Okay, okay.' said Mom as she put a plate of soup in front of me.

'Are you going to stay for long?' my father asked.

'A week at most.' I replied.

'You know you are welcome to stay longer than that.' mom said.

'Of course, but I don't think that will be necessary. I have to get back'

'How's work?' father asked.

'Same work, nothing special.'

'Do you manage alright? I remember you saying last time how stressful it gets at times.' mom said.

'Well it's not easy, but I try my best.'

'That's my boy.'

My father sat right in front of me and kept reading the newspaper.

'How have things been around here?' I asked

'Not much has changed. Same corrupt bastards running this poor country.'

'Let's not get into it, okay?' mom asked.

'Okay, let's not. It's late either way, I'll go to bed now. See you around Jax.' dad said.

'Good night dad.'

I have finished my food and got up to wash it.

'Don't you worry about it. Do you want to take a shower? There are fresh towels in the bathroom on the washing machine.'

'Yes, I'll go then. You better go to sleep Mom.'

'I'll just finish around here. It's so good to see you'

She dried her hands with the towel and hugged me.

'It's good to see you too mom.'

'Everything's the same in your room, just as you left it.'

'Okay. Good night then.'

'Good night.'

After I showered I went to my room and everything was indeed as my mom said - untouched. The books on the shelves, the desk with the notebooks on it, the bed had the same sheets, the posters on the walls of my favorite movies and bands. Everything was just the way I left it, it was just me who has changed over the past couple of years. It was me who has lost touch with everything else. As I sat at my desk I noticed an album with pictures from when I was younger. I browsed through it for awhile, pictures of our family, of myself as a toddler, my brother and I and so on. Some of which I have forgotten and yet there in front of my eyes laid evidence that it had happened. I went to the window and watched from behind the curtains. Complete darkness, no lights in any of the houses, night took over and everyone was deep in their slumber to even care.

I took my clothes off and laid in bed. I laid still in the darkness and listened to my heart beat, I did not think of anything. There wasn't much to think about, for once it seemed thinking was just plainly unnecessary. A few weeks ago I was in one place, a few days ago I was in another and now I was back to my roots. The past felt unreal, the present felt like a dream, and I felt like a person who was just going through the motions. My eyelids grew heavier and having them shut felt nice. I couldn't fall asleep, so I was left with the deafening silence. Thoughts kept coming up. What do I do? What do I do? Am I serious about this? What do I do? I tried to meditate to calm my mind. I took a 5 second deep breath in, and then followed by a 5 second breath out. Isn't that the idea behind meditation? You don't give attention to the thoughts, you just notice them and then let them pass. That's what I did, or at least tried to do. I was dozing in and out. I heard footsteps disturb the silence, followed by a sudden silence. Then I heard the door to my room open and someone walked in. I couldn't distinguish who it was, I felt my heart racing. Was that dad? What was he doing? I held my eyes closed and listened, all I could hear were his breaths. It felt like he stood there for hours, although it must have been just a few minutes. Again I heard those very same resounding footsteps followed by the closing of the door. I opened my eyes and checked for the time, 3:45 A.M. I didn't know what to make of it. Was he perhaps checking if I was still in bed? That I hadn't gone anywhere? I felt tired to give it any more thought and drifted to sleep.

By the time I woke up it was noon. The house was empty. I went downstairs to the kitchen and drank some water. I made myself a few sandwiches and just ate in silence. I did not know what to do. In that instance nothing mattered. There were no dreams, no desires, nothing. I was absent, just a passerby through existence. There was no drive to accomplish, to be someone, to do something. I went into the backyard and just sat outside. A detached being witnessing the world. I was unknown to many. I was a stranger to myself and to others. And somehow I loved it. I loved being that way. I did not want to change, yet deep down it seemed that change was necessary if I wanted to go on. The problem was that I didn't desire to do that. I wanted to be absolved of myself. Disappearing can be fun I thought. That's exactly what I was doing. My life to me meant so little, although it should have meant so much more. I was no warrior, there was nothing left to prove. What for? I often wondered. Everything about me was wrong, even these thoughts were wrong. There might be a way, I just couldn't see it.

Entire days spent locked in the house. I did not desire to go into the world. To have to face it seemed an unbearable task to handle. At times I felt numb, I couldn't pretend. I did not care, and yet I felt intense anxiety. At nights I would have nightmares, my thoughts would run wild. There was only one thing on my mind. I wanted to stop existing, and yet I couldn't fathom not being one of the world anymore. It felt surreal, to know that here you are and the next second none of it is there anymore, for you are not a living being any longer. I felt like a burden and I hated feeling that way.

I remember that night so vividly now. I was on the top of a building, looking around. Cars driving in the distance. Lights here and there. The moon hanging in the starlit sky. I heard the noise of the world, and I was standing at the top of it all. A witness to the grandiosity that was happening right in front of my eyes. I was by myself, I wanted to be okay with that, but I wasn't. I could feel the wind from behind guide me towards oblivion. I don't remember how I got there, but it was real. I closed my eyes. I took a breath in, and one step forward. That was all it took. Just like that, no notes necessary, no explanations needed. The few seconds of free falling from an 8 storied building gave you the instant epiphany of being "free" which in a matter of seconds lost you forever. Time lost you, you got rid of yourself, and the world did not know what to make of it. This was your life, there were no happy endings, but there was an end to the person you once were and to the things you might have lived. You ended yourself. Life ended itself through you. It all ended just as you predicted - in absurdity.

'WAKE UP JAX!'

- The End -