Painful love[bl]

Chapter 1

"I did not scream, I did not cry, I did not speak, I did not move, no I did not make a single noise, I did not make a single gesture in the storm that just hit me, as if I was already dying to leave everything, starting to hate my reflection, and my heart, I could hear him crack, my eyes, I saw them, empty, nothingness, total nothingness The pain was such that she had taken everything, that I had in a word lost everything.I was no longer able to move, speak, cry or scream, So I remained standing, empty, impassive, waiting for the world to finish killing me "
-Yu Yan

Cold.
All he felt was the cold wind violently penetrating his skin.
The freezing cold of a chilly winter.
Yu Yan glanced down at his hands, they were a pale blue, a sign who only further proved that indeed, this was the end.
Everything around him made it clear. This was it.
lifting his head, to the man standing in front of him.
an extraordinarily handsome man that could make anyone want to do anything just so he could spare them a glance, and that, included Yu Yan himself.
This was his so called husband, the husband that he gave up everything for, everything.
This very same man was now looking at him with such disgust, that he couldn't help but ask himself once again what did he do for him to hate him to this extent.
Ah yes, how could I forget.
Yu Yan looked at the small, beautiful man in his husband's arms. As if sensing his gaze, the small man's grip tightened on the cloths of the bigger man, the later turned to appease him before gazing at him with so much heavy love. The rumoured cold and ruthless emperor was now showing such a warm and soft expression, surly if anyone else saw this, they'll seriously start doubting weather or not they were hallucinating.
Everything Yu Yan did, was only for this man to look at him with a little bit of this love.
He always asked himself what did this man possess and he did not, he was way more beautiful than him, richer than him, and had an education higher than his.
So why did that man love him and not me.
Only at this moment did Yu Yan realise, that no matter how hard he tried, no matter what means he used, there was no way he could get that.
Just how blind was I to not notice it earlier?
No, I did notice, I just...I just refused to believe, trying to convince myself, that maybe someday I could make him love me.
Looking back, I have the impression that it never existed, that it was only in my head, that you never looked at me, never spoke, or even smiled.

And so, here he was. Waiting to be killed by the person he loved the most.
Now that he was thinking about it, he's not scared, nor is he regretting anything. His one and only regret was...
Yu Yan turned his head to be welcomed by the sight of an extremely handsome boy, not older than 18, he was standing a little far away from them, watching him with equal disgust as the man standing in front of him.
This was his son.
The son that he had neglected since birth, the son that he never even tried to love, the son that he pushed away because of his selfishness while trying to convince himself that he didn't care.
But deep inside, the love that he held for this boy was endless.
I'm sorry I did not reassure you,  to love you without knowing how to prove it to you.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
That's why, the only thing he could do now, is to accept his punishment, because no one knew better than him how much he deserved it.
But still... Yu Yan once again looked at the man in front of him.
He couldn't help but wonder, did the twenty years they spent together mean nothing to him?
But looking at the hatred and contempt present in the man's eyes, the answer was abvious.
I loved him, I did not know why, why him, why so violently, but I loved him.
The man who seemed unbreakable, broke. He dropped a fake smile and whispered to himself, "I can't do this anymore.."
Yu Yan didn't know why, but just as he felt the cold and hard metal of the man's sword penetrating his chest, huge relief took over him, yet this could not compare to the immense guilt he held in his heart.
He turned his head one last time to look at his only son, before he gave the most sincere smile in years, "I'm sorry"
If I could go back, I would not do it again, I would not make the same mistakes again.
But most importantly...
I would not fall madly for him again.