Painful love[bl]

Chapter 11

"The memory of a certain image is only the regret of a certain moment. "
-Yu Yan
"Zhi Ruo! Tell your father, you should tell your father it wasn't me!"
"I'm your mother! You should believe me! How could you believe that slut over me?!"

The usually elegant and gorgeous man was at that time crazily yelling at his son, the same boy who was gazing at him coldly, so coldly as if he was nothing but meaningless dirt.

"What qualifications do you have to call yourself my mother?" The raven haired boy who had kept his calm through all what happened, suddenly spoke out.

His eyes held so much hatred and contempt , yet, amidst all those negative emotions, there was pity.

"Through my whole life, did you bother, even once, to care about me, about what I think?
Did you ever bother to stop being so selfish for even a second?" Midway through his words, his voice broke, yet it was abvious he didn't plan on stoping.
"It scares me to have so much anger in me, to have so many grudges, hatred and bad feelings. It scares me to keep everything to myself, to fail to just let everything go, It scares me to have this horrible feeling inside of me as if one day I'm going to explode so hard that I'm going to finish in a thousand pieces...And It terrifies me to be able to imprison my own mother without feeling any kind of remorse"
The crazy look in Yu Yan's eyes seemed to fade for a moment, only he, himself knew just how badly those words hurt him, even breathing had started to become painful.
But he knew there was no turning back at that point.
The only thing he could have done at that time was to continue pretending. To continue playing the role of the big bad villain.
No matter what he said, no matter what he did, nothing was of use anymore.
I'm sorry Zhi Ruo, but this is better for the two of us.
It's better for you to think that your mother was such a horrible person.
It would hurt less in this case.
Yu Yan immediately regained his crazed expression, "You ungrateful bastard! I've raised You for so long and this is how you thank me?!"
The eyes of the young man in front him gave off immeasurable hatred. In front of Yu Yan was a person he did not know. Someone who had been hurt, torn to the point of not knowing how to cry.
Zhi Ruo sighed violently before whispering in a breath: "And all I can wish you now, is that someone loves you as much as I hate you. "
No, I have to stay strong.
It's okay. I must keep going. I can't give up now.
It's okay.
He tried to convince himself, but it was too hard.
No, it's not okay. His heart hurt, and he could feel a ball in his throat.
He wanted to cry. It's stupid, because not even 5 minutes ago he believed he wouldn't be affected by anything,but at that moment he just wanted to disappear.
Knowing that you're all alone, it hurts.
He remembered that at that time, all he had wanted was to cry, but he did not do it.
After all, he had promised himself to never cry again, because he was aware...
He was aware that he did not have the right to do it.
And eventually, because of this, he forgot how to cry ... He would like to let himself go but he wasn't allowed to, he had promised himself to stay strong.
He couldn't breathe so much the ball in his throat tightened him.
He was all alone.
There was nobody next to him to see what was behind this mask.
The mask that he was so tired of wearing.
No, he was alone.
He felt immensely exhausted from this mental struggle that has been going on for far too long.

Zhi Ruo slowly closed his eyes, acting as if he was already expecting this kind of outcome, "take him." Just as those words were said, Yu Yan was immediately dragged out.
"NO, NO! You can't do this to me!"
I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry.
Please forgive me.
It's all my fault.
You deserve better. Far better than a person like me.
I'm sorry.

"!!" The silver haired man silently sat, while desperately gasping for air.
He thought that it would stop, that he actually turned the page.
It wasn't the case.
I want to be strong, but in the end I'm just a poor kid stuck in the past. A pathetic little boy unable to grow or take a step forward.

——————————
Yu Yan quickly rushed to the front gates of the palace, Zhi Ruo had left with QingYu to train for a few days at Wuquiong forest, and they were finally coming back.
He truly missed his little miracle.
"Your majesty, they're here!" One of the gatekeepers declared.
The enormous gates slowly opened, letting numerous horses in.
Zhi Ruo who had been riding with his father hurriedly jumped of the horse.
"Mama!" The little raven haired boy excitedly rushed to hug his mother.
"I missed you so much!"
Yu Yan's face instantly bloomed into a huge smile, his eyes glittering.
"Me too, more than you could imagine!"
The pair hugged and talked for a while, before Yu Yan finally looked at the incomparably handsome man that had already stepped down of his horse.
He saw it
years after he had "moved on ", he saw it.
it was like time had never passed and they were years back. His heart stopped for a second when he put his eyes on him.
He tried to breathe, but he could not, his eyes were what he liked most about him. the way he usually looked at people, was somehow different this time, Yu Yan couldn't describe it but it made him unable to breathe.
after all this time, he still had the power to take my breath away...
QingYu stepped forward and none of the two parties broke the gaze...
and say that for years he had almost forgotten the magnetic power this man exerted on him...
He felt the blood beating strongly in his temples and he had to restrain himself from falling ...
Yu Yan saw him trying to talk but like him he was out of breath, which was strange since this man had no reason for being it.
But he could tell, they were both terrified of destroying that moment.
For the first time, Yu Yan was sure QingYu wasn't looking at the "empress", but at the real him...
The real Yu Yan.
And that was dreadful.