Painful love[bl]

Chapter 8

"We can not forget in one day someone we would have liked to love until the end of time."
-Yu Yan

He tried.
Believe him. He really did.
But he couldn't stop himself.
After dismissing all of the servants,Yu Yan immediately collapsed near the front door.
He broke down. He thought he had restrained all this pain, all these tears for an eternity. It was out of the question that he was going to break in front of him, that he'll show him he was in pain, he heard enough, seen enough, his head was going to explode, He had to go away. Seeing him again, made him feel as if his world was drowning in the depths of the ocean.
He couldn't help but remember those days.
The days where he hoped he could stay together with him for eternity.
And this made his heart break even more, it made his tears pour even more.
He did not promise me anything and yet I gave him everything.
But at the end it's your fault, you knew from the beginning that he was like that. He never promised you wonders, he just told you whatever he thought about you, and that's what made his charm. He did not care to hurt you. It's a guy who does not deserve you, you know the song, yet you know very well that you do not want better, and that's often the problem, we like what harms us, as if we needed to test our maximum capacity for suffering.
He hated himself. So very much.
For being this weak, he really hated himself.
Get yourself together Yu Yan. God damn it, stop being so pathetic.
But he couldn't. He couldn't stop.
He was so scared.
No.
he was terrified.
He just realised.
Those feelings were still present, those feelings that were the reason for the hell he went through, they were still there.
And it terrified him.
He was afraid, afraid he'd probably commit the same mistakes again.
Even after everything, he still thought about him.
He wanted to erase him completely from his mind, from his heart.
He fell in love with him just how you get sick, it happened so fast and so brutally.
But now, he was afraid of this attraction, of those feelings, afraid of everything he made him feel, because he had his heart, and he had no idea what he was going to do with it.
He did not know if he was going to crush it or swing it away like a vulgar unimportant object.
but in spite of this fear that was paralyzing him, he decided to stay and face this mountain of emotions, so today he does not know if he did well, if he made the right decisions, because all he knew, was that he was still terrified at the idea of ​​loving him.
But he was even more terrified at the idea of ​​hating him.
"Mama?"
Yu Yan immediately stood up, while hurriedly wiping his tears away.
He turned to look at his son that just entered the room, "yes sweetheart?" He tried to give him a small, reassuring smile, but it only came out as a broken one.
Seeing his son made him detest himself even more.
All those feelings were what made his son suffer, and yet, here he was, not being able to erase them.
      Looking at his mama's face, that only showed the expression of a damaged person, Zhi Ruo eyes immediately changed.
In a soft, almost inaudible voice, he opened "mother..."
He approached the beautiful man, then took his hand before pulling him down, so that he was staring straight into his mama's eyes.
Zhi Ruo put his small hand on his mother's soft cheek, then said in a way that really didn't suit a small child, "you must always remember mother, you are an amazing, splendid person, you are the empress of an empire, millions of people respect and love you, you are their source of inspiration, their role model. I never saw such strong and kind person, and I don't think I will ever see one aside from you. I can't thank the gods enough for letting me be your son, because for me, you are the most perfect mother I could ever dream to have.
Yes, I do love father, but if he couldn't see just what kind of irreplaceable treasure he had, then he has to be the blindest person on this earth. and trust me, he'll regret it.
So you must remember mother, that you ARE NOT alone, and never will be, it doesn't matter if you're sad or happy, exited or anxious, angry or scared, there will always be someone to share with you everything." He then, gently kissed the older man's forehead.
Yu Yan's eyes that were shining from tears, were filled with so much emotions, a shaky, slow smile was starting to build up on his face.
He grabbed Zhi Ruo, then immediately brought him to his embrace.
He didn't know if he was trying to comfort the little miracle in his arms, or himself.
But he couldn't careless, now, he had what mattered the most, and that's all he needed.

—————————————
     Yu Yan was in the pavilion of his courtyard, enjoying the quiet afternoon with his tea, when suddenly the oh so sweet voice of his silly, little servant was heard.
Well, there goes my calm tea time.
He sighed, then put down his cup, " what is it, Minah?"
Just as he turned his head to face her, he immediately froze.
"It's been a long time, Yu Yan"
No way.
"Your grand majesty!"
Yu Yan quickly stood up to show respect, his mind was still blank.
He didn't expect it, he wasn't ready yet.
"It's okay, I already told you that there's no need to be so formal when it's only the two of us. Just call me aunt Hui Yin. Like you used to" The voice of the woman in front of him , was so gentle and warm. It was the voice of a mother.
Yu Yan raised his head to gaze at the beautiful woman.
No one would ever doubt that this woman was over a hundred of years.
The woman that looked to be around her mid twenties, had silky smooth straight black hair that reached to her waist, her deep set piercing golden eyes that usually held that intimidating look, were now filled with immense warmth and adoration.
Her fair complexion glowed with a hint of pink, while her skin appeared extremely soft and spotless.
And just as always, her full lips were painted red, the finale touch to her majestic face.
Everything was just as he remembered.
Everything was so familiar.
"Oh dear! Why are you crying?!" The women's face appeared to be really panicked.
It was the first time she had seen this child cry since he was four.
Yu Yan had always been so strong, no matter what, he would never even shed a single tear.
now that he was crying for whatever reason, she was naturally worried.
"What?" Yu Yan was confused. Crying?
He touched his face to find that it was wet.
"I-l *sob* I don't Know *sob*" he tried to stop the tears, but it was pointless.
Hui Yin eyes widened when she felt thin, fragile arms warp around her.
"Yu Yan, tell me what's wrong"
Yu Yan only shook his head, then whispered " please, just let us stay like this for a moment."
Hui Yin sighed, then put her arms around him as well.
"En"
He missed her. So very much.
The empress dowager, Hui Yin.
—————————————-
Here's the empress dowager