Painful love[bl]

Chapter 10

"Do not be afraid to say how you feel, it hurts not to have a return, but there is nothing more painful than regrets, regretting that we did not say anything when we could. "

-QingYu.

The moment the empress dowager stormed into the study room, QingYu immediately acted surprised.
Of course he knew she was here, she may not have informed him about her arrival, but the minute she stepped foot in Yu Yan's pavilion, the guard who was watching over him instantly reported it.
Unfortunately, he wasn't in time to hear what they talked about.
" Your grand majesty, how is it that you are here? I thought there still was a few more days before you came."
Hui Yin stared at him for a moment before opening, " Cut the crap out, you already knew I was here."
The crimson eyed man narrowed his eyes, before heaving a sigh.
"I expected no less from you, so you noticed him."
The black haired woman payed her son no attention as she sat across him.
The man didn't seem to be bothered by her attitude, he was used to it after all.
He knew his mother loved him, but since the marriage, their relationship only got worse.
"So, how was your journey?" QingYu was trying his best to not screw things up...again.
"Terrible,I'm not young anymore, my back hurts for ridding that awful carriage for two whole days."
QingYu suddenly had the urge to face palm, ' why didn't you use your flying sword then?' was what he wanted to ask, but ah well, his mother was weird after all.
"Listen..." Hui Yin looked at her son sharply before continuing, " I didn't come here to talk about the weather."
Not again.
So after all she really did come for the same reason once again.
QingYu frowned, he prepared himself himself to repeat the same speech again, tell her once again, as always that he can't accept Yu Yan, the man he always despised for being such a despicable person,that he can't regard him as his 'wife', but, this time, he was hesitant.
He actually hesitated.
Those gorgeous blue orbs appeared in his mind, those eyes that held so much emotions.
Suddenly, a sense of panic overwhelmed him.
He didn't know why, but he was frightened.
This feeling... he hated it.
QingYu was never afraid, fear was a completely novel thing to him.
It was horrible.
It just seemed that if he was a bit later than this, something terrible would have happened.
QingYu forced himself to calm down, he didn't know why he suddenly thought about this, but he just ignored it for the moment.
He immediately regained his indifferent expression, before his cold voice could be heard "Your grand majesty, I already told you a thousand times, no matter how hard you try to fix this relationship, there's no way anything is going to change."
*slap!*
The sound echoed through the silent room.
Hearing his words, Hui Yin couldn't hold back anymore
"You know what? It's over, I give up. I am no longer going to watch your every move, no longer going to try to talk to you without ever having answers, No longer going to try to retrieve the story you destroyed. It's going to be hard, very hard but I understood one thing...
I understood he is going to be better of without you."
She tried to stay calm, she tried to act as if she didn't just receive the most devastating news she could ever get in her immortal life.
But hearing QingYu's words, she realized that this guy didn't give a fuck about everything.
This guy didn't realize he was slowly killing someone through the cruelest way possible.
"I know what I'm about to tell you will not affect you at all, I know you will not understand, but I can't just stay silent..."
She clearly was extremely frustrated.
Through his entire life, this was the first time QingYu saw his mother on the verge of crying.
"You must understand, you must know he will never fall in love again, because now he cannot open his heart to anyone, tell his secrets, be himself, depend on others, let them be his reason to smile ... He will never be able to do that anymore, he will not give anyone the power to control his emotions with a snap of their fingers or to occupy his thoughts, all because you've fucked him up and you've moved easily to something else, he's fragile now, but he knew very well that it would happen by falling in love with someone like you, someone who would destroy you without giving a shit... "
QingYu just started straight at his mother.
What?
He felt his whole being suddenly freeze.
He never believed in the so called "love".
Whenever Yu Yan said he loved him, he never payed it any kind of attention.
He always knew the beautiful man was obsessed with him, everything he did, QingYu only took it as sick obsession.
Not even once did the word "love" cross his mind.
His mother always avoided this kind of topics, because even She, herself didn't think much about it.
She just wanted the two of them to live peacefully.
She didn't want to force any of the two sides to achieve something probably impossible.

QingYu felt as if something inside of him cracked. It was uncomfortable, but it also felt as if he suddenly woke Up from a long, very long slumber.
But before he could process everything, his mother's next words made him realise just what he really was missing.
"I know that boy is unbearable, he's a bit crazy, he has a horribly complicated character, but he's worth it, he's the kind of man who'll make you feel alive, who will love you more than anyone, who will make your head turn, he may be difficult but fuck he's filled with so much feelings, I have never seen so many emotions in the eyes of a person. He can melt your heart without breaking it, if only you could love him."
"You just can't realise what you have , you let go of someone who is ready to do anything for you while you do nothing for him , someone who looks at you as if you're his entire world, who smiles at you even after crying, someone who stays with you even when everyone tells him to leave you, someone who forgives you while he is still wounded, so believe me, lots of guys would dream of having someone like that. So open your eyes for once in this life."
she didn't wait for any kind of reaction from him, she just immediately exited the room.

QingYu stayed there, fixing the ceiling, with million of thoughts going through his mind.
There he was, in the middle of the night, staring at the ceiling, wondering where he was in this life.
It's not like this was the first time he stayed all night, in fact it happened quite often.
But not in this way.
What was he thinking? He didn't know, it's hard to explain. He's seeing all those years that have come into him as the rain seeps into the earth, while telling himself that in fact he really decided nothing, that things were done outside of his will.
A low laugh escaped his mouth, seemingly mocking himself.
Outside my will?
Everything happened because I wished so.
He couldn't understand everything that's going on, there's a lot of stuff that's gone wrong.
Nothing has changed but everything seemed different.
He always tried to convince himself that he didn't care, but he couldn't deny it anymore.
He was the principal reason for turning Yu Yan into such a person.
He refused to believe that Yu Yan changed, not because he thought that he couldn't, but because, deep inside, he was convinced the silver haired man's feelings for him would never disappear.
He was taking him for granted.
But now, there was nothing left.
What? Did you think he was going to wait for you forever?
Yeah, perhaps that was the case.
Until now, did he finally realise how inhuman his actions were.
But, maybe it was a bit late for this.
His eyes immediately shut open, the sense of fear was there again.
And he couldn't do anything about it. He was completely helpless.
"What should you do when you're lost?"
Because right now, he completely lost the way.

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Oh my god!! I'm so so so so sorry for the late update!!
I actually finished this chapter long ago, but when I reread it, I found myself not satisfied with it, so I had to rewrite it. Anyway I'm so sorry again!!
I promise I'll try to update more often.
I love you all❤️❤️❤️ and thx for reading this chapter!!