⚠️Trigger Warning ⚠️
Mentions of
-Starvation
-Depression
-Anxiety attack
Josh's POV. Play song.
Tyler hasn't texted me in three days. He hasn't been home either. I don't know what the fuck i was thinking, to hook up with those guys. I'm such a fucking idiot. I haven't eaten in two days. I've become increasingly tired, and weak. I haven't slept at all since Tyler left. I've been awake at night, crying nonstop. I'm so fucking stupid. How could a heart like Tyler's love a heart like mine? I'm so fucking stupid. So. Fucking. Stupid. I don't feel anything. I just feel numb. And empty, very empty. Tyler was my drug, and I got addicted. Without him I was nothing. I couldn't eat, sleep, or even change my own fucking clothes.
That's when my anxiety kicks in.
I couldn't breathe properly. Fast breaths. In, out. In, out. Rapidly, i was breathing. I couldn't see straight and everything became blurry. I was shaking uncontrollably and I was tugging at my hair. "YOU FUCKED UP JOSH!" I screamed. Continuing this for another fifteen or so minutes before I controlled it. I fell apart in the floor, letting out loud sobs.
I miss Tyler.
I miss Tyler.
I miss Tyler.
I can't live without Tyler. I can't do this. I really can't. I can't do this. I should just fucking kill myself. Tyler should leave me. He deserves better. He deserves better.
*one hour time skip*
@joshuadun: tylerrjoseph has shared a post.
Tyler was a very famous instagrammer. I open his post. It's a picture of him, with dried tears on his face and his hand by his head, pointing little finger guns. I saw that his wrist was brutalized. The caption read-
"One and a half years. I just miss him."
I almost commented but I couldn't bring myself to it. I just couldn't. I turn my phone off and throw it at the wall, screaming.
I feel so empty without Tyler with me. Awakening to his warmth, his heartbeat and his cute morning voice. I missed it so fucking much.
And the thing that stung the most was that I'd probably never get to have that again.
I deserve it though.
Because I fucked up. I fucked up so bad. Telling myself months ahead "don't fuck this one up, Josh" didn't do shit. I let my destructive behavior get in the way.
That's all I ever do.
I don't fix things,
I break them.
Because that's all I've ever received. A broken heart, countless times, black and blue bruises, and a drug addiction.
But not to actual drugs.
To Tyler.
And I was so fucking stupid.
To actually think,
He'd say
"Yes."
I couldn't cry anymore. Crying for three days straight is hard, and I've become dehydrated and the most depressed I've ever been. And the only thing I feel other than the numbness, was being terrified.
What's around the corner?
Tyler,
Please forgive me.
I can't live without you.
Maybe I won't.
