Letters To Sophia Berkeley [h.s.]

The First Letter

Sophia's POV

I've been really tired lately. I don't know what's happening, but I don't feel right. I guess I'm not supposed to feel right. I don't know.

It's been a few months since chemo started. Yeah, I've been feeling sick but this just feels different.

Right now, laying down on the couch with Harry, I feel different.

My arms feel weak.

My head is really heavy.

I can see the movie playing on the screen; it's the only light in the house.

My vision is kind of going blurry.

I think I'm falling asleep. My mind is a little foggy.

I can feel myself asking Harry to get me some water because my throat is dry.

I feel his presence leave the couch, but I can't actually see him leave.

Harry's POV

"Harry, there was nothing you could've done."

"You told me we had a year! A year. Look me in the eyes and tell me you didn't fuck up," I know I'm being rude, but the words are coming out of my mouth faster than I can think.

"Please sit down, Harry," the doctor says to me as I pace around the same conference room where they broke the news to me 3 weeks ago.

Where did I go wrong? Was it something we missed? Did we go to the doctor too late? Should I have caught her cancer sooner? Was she in pain?

I feel a hand touch my shoulder and I jump, interrupted by my train of anxious thoughts. I look to my right and see my mom giving me a kind smile.

Her smile can always make me feel more relaxed.

But not right now. Right now I feel like my whole world is crumbling down on me. I guess it is. Sophia was -- is -- my world.

She will always be my world.

"Harry...why don't you sit down?" Gemma says softly to me.

I look to my left and see her standing, looking at me with worried eyes. I look around the room to see Sophia's parents and Kylee, too. They all look worried. I take a deep breath and sit down in front of the doctor.

"I know this is tough," the doctor says. "But Harry, there is truly nothing anyone could have done."

I stare at my hands. They're folded on the table. Yet again, I am suddenly mesmerized by the scratch on the table.

I feel tears forming in my eyes, but I don't want anyone to see me cry. They've already seen enough of those.

"What if it's my fault?" I whisper so softly that I feel like no one can hear me, but there is complete and utter silence.

Everyone heard.

My mom rubs my back to try and comfort me like she always does, and I feel like pushing her hand away. I won't, though. She's going through a tough time, too. We all are.

As we sit there, the doctor takes us through what will happen. He prepares us for the immense amount of grief we will feel and he tells us that it will get better, but that's bullshit. I will never stop feeling this pain in my chest.

My mom, Gemma, and Kylee leave the room as we talk about where Sophia will be taken. Sophia's parents are now on either side of me, and we are all holding hands. Cheesy, I know, but I'm incredibly grateful that they allow me to be here with them. I'm not her husband, so they don't have to allow me in on these big decisions.