Letters To Sophia Berkeley [h.s.]

You Make Loving Fun

"Harry.." she says as we lay on our bed, focused on our intertwined fingers.

"Sophia," I say. When I look at her, my smile fades.

Her face is showing seriousness and a slight pang of regret. I sit up more and she follows my motions as I face her.

"When I die, I don't want you to dwell over me. I don't want you to wallow in sadness."

Her voice is strong, but I can tell she's threatening to break. Tears fill my eyes and I hold her hands in mine.

"Sophia Berkeley. I could never stop loving you, do you know that?"

She smiles shyly and looks down at our hands, but I lightly lift up her chin.

"You aren't leaving me. I won't let you."

"You don't have a choi --"

"No. We're not talking about this. You're not allowed to leave this earth, and whenever you do, I'm going with you. We are going to live together for the rest of our lives. I'm gonna be old and fat and crazy, and I'm gonna need someone there next to me."

Sophia chuckles as tears stream down her face. My thumb grazes her cheek and I can feel the coldness of her tears drip down my hand.

"You're not leaving me that easy, Berkeley," I smile and pin her arms above her head. She smiles up at me and I can finally feel hope in my heart.

Hope for us. Hope that Sophia will beat this.

I kiss her forehead, then her lips, and I can feel her smile through the kiss.

--

My eyes flutter open, the light coming through the window being too bright for me to handle. I feel a jump in my heart as I remember the dream I had last night. When I remember my reality, I feel that same jump turn into a drop that goes so far down that I swear I felt it hit my feet.

I look over at the space she had taken just minutes before. However, it was only a figment of my imagination.

Never again will Sophia truly be here.

I decide to take the notebook once more to write to her.

This will be my last one.

Dear Sophia,

As I sit here on the bed, I wish you were next to me. I wish I could run my fingers through your golden hair one more time. Your eyes held my whole world.

I really thought we had more time. I really thought we could beat this together.

I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with this pain. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes, I think I can drink away my pain, and then I can hear your voice in the back of my head yelling at me, telling me that it's not a good way to cope.

So I resort to these letters. The words on these pages are words you will never be able to read. I wish, just once more, I could tell you how strong my feelings for you are. How they will never fade or falter.

However, in order to move on with my life, I think I have to stop writing these. I hope you understand.

All the love,

H. x

I quickly wipe away the tears that left my body as I wrote, and I stick the notebook back into the drawer. Hopefully I can cope. Hopefully I can deal with this pain by myself.

Before I can think too much, I go downstairs and make myself some breakfast. As I'm cooking my egg, I remember the story I told during Sophia's eulogy where she almost burned the kitchen down.

I chuckle to myself and move the egg onto the toasted bagel I have set down on a plate. After placing some avocados on top, I sit down on the couch with my coffee in one hand and plate in the other and watch some TV.

We used to have this same routine. Make coffee, then breakfast, and sit down on the couch to watch TV. It's just me now, though. I do all of this alone. I pretty much do everything alone without her.

You'd think that after a year, I would feel a little better but I don't. It's probably just because of the dream I had, but I'm missing her more than I have in a while.

I can feel the weight forming in my chest that had gone away with time, and I refuse to allow it to stay. I finish my breakfast, and then go straight to turn on my stereo.

Blasting my music, I dance around the kitchen like I used to do with Sophia. Her favorite was always Fleetwood Mac.

But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had

--

The music gets louder and louder as she spins the dial on the stereo, and Dreams by Fleetwood Mac fills our ears. She's dancing and spinning around gracefully, and I take her hands to dance with her.

The sun comes in through the windows in the kitchen and perfectly grace her features as she dances with me. I start singing along to the music loudly with her and we laugh.

From the outside, we probably look like complete idiots. But in this moment, I am my happiest. Right now, with this amazing woman, I am happy.

The song goes from Dreams to You Make Loving Fun, and Sophia's smile widens.

Sweet wonderful you
You make me happy with the things you do
Oh, can it be so
This feeling follows me wherever I go

I spin her and bring her into my chest and I make us sway to the beat, kissing her forehead.

I never did believe in miracles
But I've a feeling it's time to try
I never did believe in the ways of magic
But I'm beginning to wonder why

Little did I know, that would soon become our song of hope during her fight with cancer.

I never did believe in miracles
But I've a feeling it's time to try
I never did believe in the ways of magic
But I'm beginning to wonder whyDon't, don't break the spell
It would be different and you know it will
You, you make loving fun
And I don't have to tell you but you're the only one