i got mad at michael today. he told me he made a new friend, and i told him he couldn't replace me. he said he'd never replace me, but then he kept talking about his new co-worker with the sky blue eyes who was so interesting and funny and nice and did you know he has two older brothers and a dog and he goes to my school and he's nice and this and that.
i got mad in the moment, but as soon as i snapped at him and left his apartment, i burst into tears. i realized i was mad because he wants to replace me. i've gone fucking nuts and he doesn't want to deal with me, and so he's trying out luke to see if he'd be a good replacement. he sounds better than me.
i walked back to my apartment from michael's building. i could've taken the bus, but i have two reasons why i walked.
one, i didn't want people staring at the tears coming from my eyes or listening to my ugly crying sounds. that's embarrassing. i don't need to seem fucking nuts, even if i am. i hide it as much as i can.
two, my rent is due next week. i don't have enough yet, and ashton isn't around to help cover it. michael told me he'd never help with that kind of shit because he has to take care of himself first and send any leftover cash to his mom. besides, he'll be spending his money on his new best friend soon enough. if i walk home, i save $3 that can go for rent.
it started raining when i was close to the door of my building an hour and a half later, and when i made it inside my apartment i collapsed on the couch in a sad and wet heap. i didn't move for two days. now, i'm writing this. i think i'm going to lie back down after i finish.
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