What we want

New Life For Me.

I got home from out thinking about everything. And even though I'm divorced from Quincy he still would always get a rise from up out of me and that's what gets me angrier but I need to get better, I couldn't let him make me sick.

I had gone to see a therapist and talked about everything, and she said it sounded like after Ace died I wanted Quincy rid of too. It scared me to think I would want the one person I loved so much to be dead. I would never wish death upon anyone but that's how he made me feel especially after earlier at the party.

I called my therapist and scheduled another appointment to get what happened at the party off of my chest. I felt down in the dumps again, I felt wrong but I wasn't. Was i. I hope not.

"Hello this is Dr. Wendi Johnson please leave a message" The phone beeped and I started talking.

"Heyy! Dr. Johnson um..it's me Amarah Kensley-adams I-i  wanted to set up a meeting soon I need to uh um...talk to you about some things and I just wanted to say I need help" I looked down all sappy trying not to tear up.

"Well That's it..uh um call me back when you get this message and...Yeah Bye?" I hung up the phone.

I rapped myself into my knees and took a deep breath taking in everything. I went to the bathroom and rinsed off my face and I looked into the mirror and I seen bags underneath my eyes and I looked drowsy as ever. 

This isn't me. I looked overly depressed and sad I really need my therapist more than anything right now. I couldn't let Khylie or Kyrie see me like this I couldn't put them in my old sad place after they had finally gotten somewhere happy.

I ran me a bubble bath and I sat in there until I felt like getting out I played some music to ease my mind of some things and I began crying to myself. Am I going crazy or is it just the depression kicking inside. I think it was both.

I wanted to drown myself into the bath but I couldn't go out like that, I wouldn't want to do that nor would my son wouldn't want that for me. I cried some more and some more until I couldn't cry anymore. 

I got out of the bath and dried myself off, then i put on my silk robe and I went to my bed and I laid there restless, drained, emotional, and frustrated with everything my life turned into now.

It was close to Monday I finally realized and that I had work tomorrow, ugh I just couldn't anymore. But that's the sad part about me talking I couldn't let it run my life forever I had to keep going, not for Quincy but for my Ace he would want his mommy to move on with my life.

So that's what I plan to do. Make a brand New Life for me.