BIGBANG Next Door: Bang Epoque

PART 9 - IF YOU

sarah

The whole next week consisted of visiting the Bang Epoque house every day and Seunghyun and I running errands together.
I didn't see Jiyong at all and I had a pretty big guess as to why..and it was because he saw Seunghyun and I that night.
I never told Seunghyun that he saw us but it didn't seem relevant since I never saw him anymore.
I did ask Youngbae a couple times where Jiyong was throughout the week but he'd just shrug and say that he didn't know because he wouldn't tell them where he went anymore. He went so far as to tell me that Jiyong never answered their texts or calls when he was out so he was basically off the grid until he got home, he even told me that he arrived drunk every night.
I guessed that it was from the nightclub but Youngbae had shaken his head and said that he didn't smell like the expensive whiskey from the club but the cheap beer worth 15,000 Won per case of 24 bottles.
I didn't ask anymore questions, all I knew was the answer to why he was being this way. Me. It was because of me.
I felt bad for causing this type of behavior from him but it was too late. You can't change the past.
Today, I went to class, it was a Friday so I got home late. The sun was already down and I was exhausted as I collapsed on my couch and took my phone out to see the time. It was only 9pm.
I groaned before somebody starts knocking on my door. I grunt as I sit up and wait a second before another round of knocks start going off.
I stand up before reaching the door,"Who is it?" I ask with an aggravated tone.
Another round of knocks respond, but this time they're softer, almost weaker.
I raise an eyebrow before I open the door hesitantly and become stricken with the sight in front of me.
I don't know whether I want to cry or yell or hug him but when I notice a stream of fresh blood go down his temple and another stream drip from his forehead while a dark purple bruise forms on his right eye, all I can think to do is to say in a worried tone,"Jiyong?"

After a few minutes of realizing who was here on my doorstep, I basically drag him into the house before sitting him on my couch and running to get a towel and some wet washcloths.
When I come back into the living room, he winces at the pain coming from his bleeding scalp but I also notice him clutching his arm with an almost death grip,"Ji, what's wrong with your arm?"
He suddenly acts like he isn't in pain at all,"Uhhh, nothing."
"Don't do that."
"What? There's nothing-"
"Take off your jacket so I can see before I make you," it sounded like a threat but it worked as he hesitantly took it off, revealing his tattooed arms and a massive black bruise on his left arm about four inches in diameter.
I feel my mouth gap open as I look closer at it,"What the hell happened to you?!" I squeak as I notice the strange shape of the bruise and how it seemed more elevated than normal.
"I, uh," he winces again, clutching his arm,"I got mugged."
I place a wet washcloth on the bruise, he lets out a quiet whimper. "So, you decided to come here and not the hospital why?" I sound upset at his stupidity.
He just sighs,"Look, I can't go to the hospital because it'll be in the news that I got hurt and when it gets out that it wasn't in the military.." he trails off and I nod.
"They'll wonder why you've been out so long without saying anything, yeah, I get that, but," I pat Jiyong's bloody temple with a washcloth,"I think your arm is broken, it needs medical attention."
"Nah, it'll.." he puts all his weight on his right side,"it'll be-" I barely even touch the bruise and he shrieks.
I raise an eyebrow.
He huffs,"I'm sure it'll be fine by tomorrow.."
"Mhmm, okay.."
I continue to wipe the blood dripping from his face and eventually get it to stop.
I begin wiping his split lip and I can't help but notice his eyes focused on my face.
He tries to catch eye contact with me but I stare at his lips as I wipe them.
As I start to wipe his glabella, I ask quietly,"Where did you go, Ji?" I feel myself become heavy when I add,"Why do you keep coming home drunk?"
That's when I made eye contact with him.
I can't think of the last time we were this close, within a foot apart of each other, staring into each other's eyes while trying to make sense about a bunch of emotions that were foreign at the time.
I sigh deeply,"What have you been thinking about, Kwon Jiyong?"
I feel tears prickle my eyes as he cocks his head slightly to the left before he confesses,"I found a quiet spot a couple miles away from the house, it's kinda like the backwoods behind us but it overlooks a lake. It's abandoned most of the time and I just sit and..think mostly," he sighs,"I bought a twenty-four pack of beers and drink six every night. It helps with drowning out certain thoughts.."
I stare at him and how pitiful he had become.
Six beers a night..for the past week..
I do the math in my head and nearly pass out from the amount I came up with,"You've had forty-two beers this week?!"
He shakes his head,"I haven't tonight, I just went out to think."
"Thirty-six is still a lot and for someone so young-"
"That's not the point," Jiyong interrupts me,"it's what I've been thinking about. I had to be sober to actually think and go through with it but.." he stares into my eyes with a light I had never seen in the whole five months I'd been here,"I'm leaving Bang Epoque tomorrow."
My eyes widened at this news,"Uh..are you sure you aren't sober?"
He smiles slightly like what I said was humorous,"Yes, I'm sure," then he sighs deeply,"Look, there's...there's nothing here for me anymore. I thought there was but...I.." he falters, staring at me with affection,"I still can't help but feel this tiny bit of hope that the "nothing" with turn into "everything".."
He took my hand softly,"That's why I've been getting drunk. So I'll forget that feeling. Because I know it'll push me back..."
I feel a tear roll down my cheek. He wipes it away and I look up before asking with a cracking voice,"Why can't you get over me?"
He's silent and stone-faced for a few seconds, a slight smirk developing on his lips before he leaned in and kisses me on the forehead on the exact same spot as last time.
He places his forehead on mine and sighs deeply again while staring into my eyes.
"Sarah," I sniff at the way he says my name,"can't you see that I'm trying?"

I don't remember when but I dozed off that night and woke up on the couch. I look at my wall clock and it read 8:23am.
I suddenly look down at my coffee table and see a white piece of paper sitting there, I grabbed it before noticing Jiyong's handwriting.

I hope I'll see you in the future but if I don't..
Please don't forget our story.
The story of the lonely boy who helped the cheerful girl.
Who didn't realize she helped him more that he did her.
Because the girl changed the boy's outlook on life and love.

Your best friend,
Kwon Jiyong

My heart falls when I suddenly remember what he told me last night.
I feel my body jolt up before I mutter,"No, no, no, no-" over and over.
I didn't even put shoes on as I walk outside my front door and run down the steps, running to the Bang Epoque house before opening the front door and seeing Youngbae, Seungri, and Daesung sitting at the kitchen table while Seunghyun cooked on the stove.
All of them look over at me and Youngbae raises an eyebrow,"Sarah?"
I don't even acknowledge him as I run up the stairs of their house, completely aware that all of them were following me.
I busted open Jiyong's bedroom door and saw that it was completely empty.
"Sarah, what's wrong?" Daesung asks as he notices the subtle tears falling down my face.
I turn to face them and notice Seunghyun's worried expression. I suddenly found myself collapsed into his arms as I sob out,"He's gone..he's actually gone..."

For the next few days, the air everywhere I had gone seemed dry and souls-sucking. It was lifeless.
I couldn't understand how I survived almost two months without him once but I felt like I was going to die within three days.
It's because I'll most likely never see him again..not in person, at least.
I think about the article that was posted yesterday about how Jiyong was back at YG and preparing to make another solo album.
While he started preparing, I sat in the darkness of my bedroom and sulked in my sheets.
It's weird how much you miss somebody when you have a strong feeling you'll never speak to them again..
My phone suddenly chimes on my nightstand to see it's a text from Seunghyun asking if he could come in.
I text back a "yes" and slump back into my position before I hear the front door open,
"Sarah?" I hear his voice echo through the house.
"Bedroom," I try to yell so he can hear me.
My bedroom door opens ever so slightly before I see Seunghyun's hand peek through the crack.
He walks in,"Hey," he strolled over to me and brushed the hair out of my face, placing a soft kiss onto my cheek,"how long have you gone without food?"
I point to my nightstand,"My mom sent me some candy yesterday."
He looks at my littered nightstand, nodding before he asks,"Can I lay with you?"
I nod and he runs to the opposite side if the bed, snuggling into the covers before taking me into his warm embrace. He kisses me on the top of my head before he says,"You'll see him again."
"How?"
"Well, when BIGBANG has their next comeback concert, I'm taking you with me."
I feel myself laugh,"Yeah, right."
"No, I'm serious!" He leans down and gives me a soft kiss on the lips,"Anything to make you happy."
I snuggle into his chest, the silence surrounding us for a few minutes until he breaks it,"Who is your best friend out of all of us?"
I think of Jiyong's note and the ending..
"Your best friend, Kwon Jiyong"
"Would..you be mad if I said it's Ji?"
He chuckles, a warm and pleasant sound I needed to hear.
I furrowed my eyebrows,"What?"
"Oh..it's nothing," he kissed me again on the lips, this time longer and more rough than the last,"I just wish he could've heard you say that himself."