5 seconds of summer preferences

Amnesia (His POV) part 1

Ashton: ”Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie? If what we had was real, how could you be fine? Cause I’m not fine at all”

I could feel the aching in my chest upon seeing her laughing along with her friends. I didn’t mean to see her though, I was only trying to clear my head when I saw her with her friends at a nearby cafe. She was looking gorgeous, as usual and she had her usual smile plastered on her beautiful face. It was like she has never cried at all in the first place, which made me feel even sadder than I originally was. It’s been nearly three weeks ever since that day she left me, and I’ve been crying nonstop ever since. But she on the other hand, seems unaffected by our breakup because she looks absolutely happy and totally fine, which was the complete opposite of how I felt right now. I felt like I was being torn apart from the inside out, and it felt like there is this huge hole in my chest that’s just absolutely empty and hollow at this time. When I feel like shit, she feels the happiest. I furrowed my eyebrows, was what we had real anyways? Was it real, or was it just some lie? I looked up once more, and her lips were curled into a huge smile as she watched her friend talk. I just couldn’t understand how she could be fine when I felt so destroyed and so empty, it makes me think that what we had - our love, or whatever you might call it, wasn’t real at all and that it was one huge lie. How can someone ever laugh after they destroy someone else’s life? How could someone be happy when they kill someone emotionally? How can someone still continue to smile when they took away someone else’s happiness? How could she continue to be happy when she knows that I’m hurting so much inside when she walked out of my life forever? How could she still be happy when she destroyed me, I don’t understand at all. I’m confused, hurt, empty and basically all I want right now is to know if she ever loved me at all, because it sure doesn’t feel like it. I know I loved her, you can actually see how affected I was by this breakup - it literally destroyed me both physically and emotionally, and I still haven’t recovered from it at all. Her smile makes me doubt the fact that she ever loved me, and it kills me even more to think that she never really did love me. I watched as she covered her mouth to laugh and her gaze flickered towards me, her eyes widening when she met mine. The two of us locked gazes for a few moments before my eyes widened at the sight of the tears that have begun to stream down her face, and I hurriedly turned around and began to run away. I began to run far, far away and I don’t intend on looking back because I didn’t ever want to see her again. Especially not when she was crying, I could never handle seeing her hurt - so I’ll do what I have to do. I’m gonna leave and never look back, for both her sake and mine. But now, two things are for certain - I’m not the only one who got hurt by these events, and that she actually really did love me before. The thought of her loving me made me smile sadly, the memories flashing through my mind as my tears began to spill down my cheeks.

Michael: “I remember the day you told me you were leaving, I remember the makeup running down your face. The dreams you left behind, you didn’t need them, like every single wish we made”

I whimpered, clutching onto the pillow as I continued to cry out, the salty tears making it’s way down my face and onto the white sheets of my bed. It may have already been more than a month, but the wound still feels so fresh and the memories are still imprinted in my mind. I could never forget the pain of losing her, I could never forget the feeling of watching her walk out of the door like that crushing my dreams for the two of us and stepping on my fragile little heart, breaking it into a million tiny pieces. The moment she stepped out of that door was the moment my life fell into ruins, everything felt wrong and that nothing could ever fix me, back to the man I used to be when she was mine. I could still remember her expression, her cheeks stained with black tears, as a result of her crying with mascara on. The makeup ran down her face, her lips quivering as she looked up at me sadly, sniffing and hiccuping. “I’m leaving Michael,” she said, closing her eyes shut as more tears continued to flow down her face. Her words left a huge empty hole in my heart, like she ripped my heart out with her bare hands and brought it along with her when she left. She left me behind, along with the dreams we had for each other and every single memory and wish we ever made. We couldn’t ever buy that house we wanted by the beach, or that German Sheperd puppy she wanted to name after her best friend. Our wish of being together until the very end could never come true, and our happy ending would never come. She told me that she knew that this love would never survive, and that we were never meant to be together. The dreams we had for one another would never come true, and so will those wishes, and so she said she didn’t need them. She said one last goodbye and kissed me, before she left the door with that sad expression on her face. I fell on my knees as soon as the door closed, and the tears began to run down my face endlessly, it felt like I was being stabbed by a hundred thousand knives, and since that day, I have cried myself to sleep everyday. I couldn’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t smile. It was like I was a walking doll, I wouldn’t talk and I couldn’t feel anything else other than hurt and pain, and it was like I was numb to everything else except pain. And this was another one of those nights where my thoughts only consisted of her, and all of the memories we ever had together. I sniffed, her face clouding up my thoughts as I continued to cry out the hurt. Her smile was the last thing I saw in my head before I fell into the darkness, my consciousness drifting away as I succumbed to sleep.

Calum: ”If today I woke up with you beside me, like all of this was just some twisted dream. I’d hold you closer than I ever did before, and you’d never slip away”

I caressed her beautiful face with my fingers, gently stroking her cheek and trailed my fingers on her facial features, but when I blinked, she disappeared and I could feel the aching in my chest once more. I groaned, rolling over but there she was, smiling at me and looking at me with those beautiful eyes of hers. I wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close but I couldn’t feel her beneath my arm - of course, the bed was empty, save for myself. She was gone, Calum. You had to accept that she left and you can’t do anything to change that, mate. I grunted, closing my eyes and a smile instantly formed on my lips when I saw her - the only light in the darkness, smiling down at me. If only I had the power to turn back time, if only I could have her once more, if only I could wake up with her beside me once again. I want to see her smiling at me when I open my eyes early in the morning, I want her to be the very first thing I see when I open my eyes for the first time everyday. If only I could wake up with her beside me again, it would make everything feel okay. I wanted this to be just some sick, twisted dream. I wanted this reality to be a twisted dream, I wanted this dream to end. If I could wake up beside her again, I would hold her closer than ever and I wouldn’t ever let her slip away from me. I wouldn’t let her walk away from me, not this time. I wouldn’t let her feel unloved and unwanted, I wouldn’t let her feel like she wasn’t good enough for me. I would do everything I can in my power not to lose her, because she was one of the good things in my life. She was a huge part of me, and without her, I just feel absolutely lost and pained. I wish I could just bring her back and make this entire thing work, because losing her was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I just want to wake up to her beautiful face, just like I used to every single day. I just want to hold her, just like I used to before. I just want her back, is that really that much to ask for? I sighed as I felt a tear escape my eye, and I opened my eyes, welcoming the light with a frown.

Luke: "It hurts to know you’re happy and it hurts to know you’re not mine"

The mere thought of her was enough to drive me insane, but the sight of her happy in someone else’s arms was enough to kill me. She was my sunshine - my source of happiness and the light in my darkness, she was the one who gave me strength and the one who could hold me together. Her smile could make me weak in the knees, her touch would send the butterflies inside my stomach run wild, and her voice is the best sound I have ever heard. She wasn’t perfect, but she was perfect for me. Yes, I know how much it hurts to fall for someone who loves someone else, but it hurts even more when you know she’s right beside you yet you know you can’t have her. I knew the dangers of falling in love with your best friend, I knew it all too well. Falling for your best friend would only give you heartache, and add the fact that she was in love with another man, it would only cause me grief and sadness. I tried my very best not to fall in love, but she made it too damn hard not to. She was irresistible, she was incredible, she was sweet, she was hilarious and she was kind - it was impossible not to fall in love with the kind of girl she was. We’ve known each other for years and she knows absolutely everything about me, and vice versa. I knew that a guy and a girl could never stay just friends, there will be someone who will take the fall and actually fall for the other, and I knew somehow that it was going to be me. The thing I don’t really understand is why she would still look at someone else when she knows that I’m right here, I’m just right here, waiting for her to see how much I truly love her and how much I’m willing to risk just for her. I would handle all the pain in the world, just to see her smile and be happy. I was willing to hurt and die inside just so she could be happy, even if she was happy with someone else, and that’s exactly what I did. Ignoring the aching in my chest and the tears brimming in my eyes, I watched as he pulled her in with a smile and press his lips down onto hers, making her smile in the process. She ran her fingers through his hair and I turned around, trying to take the thoughts of her out of my mind. I knew I could never do that, she was my everything. I leaned onto the wall and slid down, hugging my knees as I buried my head into them, sobbing silently. The pain was unbearable, but I had to bear it for her - I sacrificed my own happiness for her, this much is enough. “I love you,” my words rang in my head and I could still remember the huge smile on her face when she replied, “I love you too Luke,” Although I knew that she didn’t mean it the same way I did, it was still enough for me to know that she cared about me, and that she loved me. “I wish that I could wake up with amnesia,” I quietly sang, trying to drown my pain with the tears as I continued to cry all the hurt out.