Dear Evan Hansen And Be More Chill Oneshots

Too much of a Loser(BMC)

I need this hate out of my body
I decided to write about what's been keeping me from doing anything productive lately.
This is going to be messy and I'm not going to fix it so oof
Boyf riends I guess??
After the party I guess??

    Michael wanted to scream.
    He wanted to throw his phone across the room, punch the door, kick the box of Pokémon cards that Jeremy promised to help him sort through. More than half of them were his anyway.
    Michael didn't do any of that. His parents were still home. It's no doubt they would hear him. Instead he checked his phone, his grasp still tight around it. The time seemed to be making fun of him.
    Jeremy would have been here by now.
    Jeremy would have been high,laying on his chest and whispering sweet nothings in his ear. Telling him how much the party sucked and how happy he was that it was just the two of them here.
    Jeremy would have been Michael's.
If he didn't go and fuck it up.
    Instead now Michael was leaning against his door, too emotionally drained to even make it to his bed. Tears streamed down his face as he covered his mouth, the effort of keeping his sobs in making his body shake. Too many thoughts were in his head, he couldn't differentiate between the words.
    He could have been with Jeremy if he didn't do anything wrong. What did he do? Why did Jeremy hate him? Michael tried to breathe. Jeremy didn't hate him. He was just happier without Michael in his life. He hiccuped and murmured in pain. It was spreading from his heart and lungs to the rest of his body.
    Maybe this was why Jeremy didn't want him anymore. He was too much of a baby. He was unloveable. A freak.
A loser.
    He curled up farther into his red hoodie, it was worn out over the many years of him wearing it. He tried to focus on little things like that to bring him down to Earth once more.
    He breathed the best he could and gazed lazily at his bong. It was tinted blue. Tears still made their way down his face as he remembered that Jeremy bought him it as Michael bought him a red tinted one.
    He calmed down once he took a hit. The ease of the intoxicatedly good smell of weed calming his nerves. Tears pricked at his eyes as he thought about how he should be doing this with Jeremy.
    God, when would he learn to let go?
Why was he such a fuck up?

((Gosh I'm not alright right now. This is probably horrible but it's just a little thing to get me back into the swing of writing again. Also a vent. My relationship with my old partner has gotten worse and I hate myself for it. Anyways have a good rest of your day/night!))